You can’t always get what you want

As most of you know, this past weekend I was on retreat with my youth group kids.

For the last time.

I may be on this same retreat next year, but it will not be as youth minister and they will not be my youth group kids.

I had a very difficult weekend. I felt as though I was grieving – not grieving the loss of the kids, but grieving my role as youth minister.

And I was angry. And bitter.

How could this decision be made for me? How is that even fair? How can someone sit there and tell you that you have no goals in life and that they are overburdening me? Shouldn’t that be a decision that is made by me? Does anyone have a right to tell me that I don’t have any goals in life or a purpose?

Those were the types of things going through my head. All weekend. And I was heartbroken. Of course, I didn’t let the kids see – at least I hope I didn’t – but nonetheless it was a struggle.

What am I going to do now? Where do I go from here?

Those who are going to be the “new” youth ministers have stated that they would love to have me continue to be around and to help them. My initial reaction was “uh…no!”

The more I thought about it though, the more I decided that if I wanted to remain a part of these kids’ life, then I guess that would have to be the route in which I took.

That’s what the game plan was – until this weekend.

Something inside of me changed this weekend. Maybe it was coming to terms with the fact that I cannot be the youth minister anymore. [but that doesn't mean that I like the decision any]

Maybe it was the realization that I need to grow up and move on – and if I continue to be bitter about this and vocally declare it to my friends (who have already started “not wanting to hear it”) then it will damage my friendships.

Maybe it’s time for the kids to learn from someone else.

Life doesn’t go as you had planned. I thought I was going to be a youth minister until I left for the convent – thinking about how hard it was going to be to up and leave them just like that – maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

I was talking to my friend Maureen about trying to discern what it is that I am going to do from here. We both are struggling with this decision. She wants me to stay as much as I really want to stay. I just told her that I think that it’s best that I walk away – throw my hands up and surrender. I’ve committed myself to helping her out this Saturday, but after that I’m not so sure that I will be involved. [especially since the next one is on my 30th birthday - which no matter what anyone says still feels like a slap in the face]

There is a lot I need to discern. The desire to go down and visit the Salesians is burning deep within again too. God knows whats best for me – and this is definitely a time where I need to trust. He will get me through this.

I just have to keep remembering that.

The good thing about this gradual “weaning” is that even though I will not be in ministry with them, I will be able to see them after mass and such.

And the best part: I can be friends with them on facebook – which keeps me much more involved in their lives.  :)

Life doesn’t always go the way you planned it to go. If it does, then maybe you’re not relying on Him and His will, and just following your will.

It’s been a long time coming…

I’ve heard that phrase a lot this week – “it’s been a long time coming”.

Things at work have changed. Security has been tightened. I can’t log into my blog from work. Since I do most of my blogging from work, that’s a huge impact on the future of this blog. I’ve been told though, that “it’s [these changes have] been a long time coming”

This blog post, is being written while I’m at work.

Are you confused yet?

I know how to cheat the system. I’ve gone around the security settings at work to be able to post this. And I feel as though I’m breaking rules. [probably because I am] And I’m super paranoid about someone discovering my “secret”. [which isn't so much of a secret since most of us know how to get around it] In an instance such as this I’m torn – between doing the “right” thing, and keeping my sanity. I work at a help desk that relies on phone calls and emails to do any work. If the calls and emails are not coming in, then I have to keep myself occupied. I need mental stimulation – especially since I’m here for 10 hour days.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I’m taking a chance on cheating the system. And what would Jesus have me do? It’s all a bit overwhelming to figure out as there are so many different variables.

I’ve been absent lately. And it’s not because I couldn’t access the log in page for the blog. I just have not had anything to write about. Sure there have been many situations where God has shown Himself to me. I just haven’t been able to formulate a meaningful post. Mostly because I haven’t been spending any meaningful time with Him. I used to stay fully connected with youth group – having to share lessons and such – but now that I’m no longer the youth minister a big chunk of my spiritual life was taken away. I have to compensate for that loss now. I have to find new ways to fill myself up.

I just haven’t done it yet.

I fell away from my novena when I got sick – and keep meaning to pick it back up but haven’t. I also want to read scripture. I have the desire to do so, but once I get home all is forgotten as home life/chores are screaming for their attention.

Guess I’m still working on that discipline – 7 months into the year and I still haven’t “perfected” my word of the year.

Trust

The word trust in my opinion, is the most difficult action.

Once your trust is broken with someone, it takes a long time to get it back. It’s always a work in progress – sometimes very painful.

In scripture we are told to “trust in the Lord with all your heart…” – Proverbs 3:5.

I’ve recently been through a situation regarding youth group in which I have  had to lean heavily on Him and trust that His will is being done – not mine. Though the situation wasn’t favorable and things were said that were hurtful, I have had to trust Him more than ever.

The great thing about trusting God, is that it usually brings a feeling of peace. God wants us to give Him our all – He’s already been through our struggles and has seen our pain but it is in our humanness that we keep it for ourselves – not wanting to let it go which can usually boil down to a lack of trust.

God has given us many people in our lives to utilize. I know that I sometimes I run to others for their advice/support/love before I turn to God seeking His help. And while the people in our lives were given to us by Him, we I need to be mindful that no one comes before God ever. He is the one who holds all the answers. Even if you are feeling alone and unloved, that’s never the case for God is always by your side.

There are various reasons why people have difficulty trusting. If you look deep within yourself you may find the answer. I need to work on trusting Him more fully – anyone care to join me?

God’s will

Tragedy can strike at any moment. Oftentimes during tragic situations we find ourselves doubting God and what He was thinking. This doubt usually occurs when a person dies…and even more so when that person is young.

Tragedy hit very close to my heart this weekend. A former youth group kid passed away. This “boy” was a kid from my former youth group – where I wasn’t a youth group member, but wasn’t the leader either – I had the label of “peer minister” (though I certainly wasn’t their peer as I was much older than them).

23 years old is too young to die.
23 years old is too young to die under any circumstance.
23 years old is too young to die of a brain aneurysm.

I attended the wake tonight and saw many people so distraught. I have never been to a younger persons’ wake – young people shouldn’t die. The question of “why?” was asked way too often.

As a Christian, I know he’s in a much better place but to see someone so young have his life ended so suddenly is heartbreaking.

Tonight I know that sometimes God’s will is very hard to understand.

So while I sit here in mourning, I ask the same question everyone else is asking “why?” hoping that someday I’ll receive an answer. I probably won’t know until I meet Him face to face in heaven. Until that day I will keep Andrew in my heart and I know that his love for others will sustain us all.

Andrew Lapointe – Rest In Peace. You will be missed terribly. 10/23/87 – 5/6/11

So I visited some Sisters… #Catholic

I have some impatient people who read my blog! I’ve gotten numerous private messages asking me to hurry up and post my visit to the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia! Even though I’m just now getting a chance to write it…at 1:15am…good thing I don’t have to work tomorrow.

So I visited some Sisters this weekend.

It was good.

The end.

OKAY…geeze! Stop freaking out on me!

So I get down there on Friday and I was one of the first ones there. I’m not one to strike up a conversation with just anyone so I had a really hard time just jumping in the middle of others’ groups. It seemed as though most everyone there had at least one other person there that they knew.

The Sisters were great and really fun! They made everyone feel welcomed and important. If they saw someone standing off by themselves, they made an effort to come over and strike up a conversation. We went in the chapel for evening prayers and it was such a beautiful site to see all the sisters together – praying together and chanting the office. Their voices were so angelic and all I kept thinking was – I WANT THIS. I even texted a few people that message on Saturday. I was in such awe and felt like this is exactly where I needed to be.

God had another plan though.

Shortly after I sent out that message to people, I got the opportunity to have a meeting with Sister Mary Emily, the vocation director. I told her a little about myself and how I was interested in the community – how I was just blown away by the beauty and reverence that the sisters showed. She went on to ask me various questions: about my family, my job(s) (I included youth ministry as a job since most everyone there had a teaching background or youth ministry background), and about my schooling. It seems as though everyone was focused on one another’s schooling – who goes to school where and whether it was a Catholic school or not. I informed Sister Mary Emily of my past schooling – a year and a half at a state school and then many years later at the trade school.

She then informed me that she didn’t think I was going to be a good match for the community since studying is such a big part of their lives. Just based on my schooling information.

Of course I thought that was very unfair of her to judge me like that…and was kinda hurt. Just kinda…cause another part of me wasn’t. It was definitely a God moment.

I went to get in line for confession after that. I sat there for a half hour trying to sort out what just happened – and where I go from here. The line for confession wasn’t moving. And I had about 10 people in line before me with 40 minutes left before our next thing. (I was really bummed that I didn’t get to go – but will find a way to go this week). I decided to go sit outside where it was 75 degrees to just sit and think. I love sitting outside and having conversations with God…except that’s not what happened. Instead I started texting Lauren telling her about what was going on. I wasn’t really feeling defeated, but I was kinda bummed that I was “rejected”.

Our next thing was evening prayers. I went in and immediately the blinders were taken off – all the things that I was too blind to see before, suddenly came to light and I found a bunch of things I didn’t like about the order. Later on during adoration, I couldn’t concentrate. I was very all over the place and fuzzy. No matter how many times I tried to concentrate and focus, I wasn’t able to. I was later told that sometimes that is a sign as well, that I’m not where I’m supposed to be.

So what’s next?

A couple of things I have already decided:

1. I’m looking at a place closer to home – within driving distance. I can’t afford to keep flying all over the place – I couldn’t even afford to fly down this time!
2. I already have my next place in mind – except I am not going to announce it here yet. That will come in due time.

So that’s it. Any questions?

He always knows what He’s doing

Two weekends from now I’ll be in Nashville visiting the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia for a weekend. This would be the time where typically I’d start freaking out…worrying about what to pack, what will happen when I get down there and a whole bunch of other things.

God is clever though…He always knows how to take care of me.

March 11-13th is the weekend I’m going down to Tennessee.

March 4-5th…the weekend before…I have the biggest youth group event of the year going on. And my co-youth minister is out of town for three weeks and won’t be there to assist me. I’m going in solo (with the help of other people of course…I’m just the one in charge).

How convenient that all this is falling into place at the same time. It gives me no time to ponder or worry about my upcoming trip (with the exception of the week of).

God knows what He’s doing.