Tell Him your plans – He’ll laugh

Today I met up with Sr. Colleen – vocation director for the Salesian Sisters (also known as Daughters of Mary Help of Christians). *waves* Hi Sister!!

Before I get into the actual meeting part, I must say that God is very comical – or maybe I’m the one who is comical. I went into this meeting with “expectations”. Like Sr. was going to fall in love with me, have paperwork for me to sign, tell me to come visit sometime before August and BAM – I’m in!

Okay, maybe not that extreme.

Before we met we got the chance to talk on the phone for a bit the night before. We were originally supposed to meet for dinner but plans had to change and we decided to move it up to an early lunch. When talking to her on the phone I felt complete peace and no nervousness at all. It kinda felt surreal.

So we get to the restaurant today (Red Robin – YUM!) and again that sense of peace and calm was all consuming. I felt no anxiousness or nervousness at all. It kinda felt too good to be true.

And it almost kinda was.

See, I went in with expectations. And it’s never good to go into any kind of vocation possibility with expectations – often times they are unreal. After conversations with @britestack, I thought for sure that I was going to be able to enter this coming August. My bags were practically packed.

That won’t be the case. Maybe it will be for @britestack, but not for me. You see, I have debt. Roughly $20,000. And I don’t have a Bachelors degree in anything – both of those are hindrances. In order for me to be able to enter all my debt has to be gone. (Still unsure of if I need a BA in order to enter or not? Maybe someone can clarify that – Sr. Colleen or Ashley?)

I left that meeting feeling a bit discouraged. I had gotten my hopes up and started to expect certain things were going to happen. It wasn’t until way later on in the day while I was sitting with my friend Carol, that I realized something – life isn’t easy.

It took me all day long to figure that out. (Maybe I’m a bit slow??)

While talking things out with Carol, I came to realize some things.
1. I still have some work to do on me. Pride being one thing I need to start chiseling away.
2. Even though I’ve been searching and discerning and thinking about this for years, doesn’t mean it’s going to be an easy road. Every vocation consists of hardships and it is not going to be easy.

Carol told me I needed to go sit with Jesus and just write. To which of course I fought. (Stubborn much?)
Finally I gave in and went in the church with my journal and pencil. And lo and behold she was right! (She usually is)
I sat there and heard over and over to TRUST. He knows the plans for me. I am on the right path but I need to TRUST.

Well then. Guess I can’t argue much with God!

So while I’m not as discouraged as I was when I first left Sr. Colleen, I’m hopeful. I know that God is leading me the way He wants me to go.

Now if only I can die to myself and trust Him fully. Maybe then we can get somewhere…

Prayers please!!

Just wanted to let you all know that tomorrow at 11am I will be meeting with Sr. Colleen – the vocation director with the Salesians!

Please pray for safe travels for her and for God’s will be done!

I’m excited!!

JOY!!

What a crazy awesome day it was yesterday!

The day started like any other Wednesday: I worked and then drove to church to wait for choir practice to start. I get out of work at 4:30 and usually arrive at the church a little after 5. Choir practice starts at 7. I typically spend the two hours reading or having some Jesus time instead of going home and wasting the gas (I live a half hour away from church).

I had plans of meeting my friend Brenda up at the church – she had something she wanted to give me to bring to a mutual friend of ours (she works as a co-coordinator of religious ed at the church). I called her to let her know I was there, and she didn’t answer. So I decided to go into the church to sit with Jesus for a bit. And that’s where the fun begins!

I opened the door to the church and right there on the floor is a bouquet of fake roses – just chilling there. I thought it was very odd and I actually remember looking all around me wondering if they belonged to anyone. I picked them up and thought to myself “is this supposed to be some sort of sign?” I remember thinking about St. Therese wondering why she’d leave me roses when I haven’t even prayed to her. Then I chalked it up to maybe it was a sign from Mary – but what?

I brought the flowers in and put them by Mary and then went to sit with Jesus.

Then Brenda called me and I went into the office with her. Now, I have been in this office NUMEROUS times. One of our priests recently got a computer. He never had a computer before and really doesn’t know how to use it. Brenda was going back and forth trying to help him and trying to do some work herself. One of the times Father called her into his office, I sat there staring at the bookshelf. The same bookshelf I’ve looked at numerous times. There on that bookshelf was a boxed collection titled “Salesian’s Collections”.

I had to do a double take. Did that really say Salesians? Salesians as in the order I’m highly interested in?

At this point I was just – awed. Were the roses and this boxed collection signs from God? Is He trying to tell me that I’m heading in the right direction? It’s all strangely coincedental.

The excitement ends. No more signs occur. I go to choir and I’m…happy. At one point I was laughing so hard I was crying. It was such a great feeling to feel so full of happy – and joy.

I interrupt this story for a bit of background information.

Background info 1: I have been fasting from electronics on Wednesday and Friday nights – so that I spend time focusing on God more.

Background info 2: The blackberry servers were having all kinds of issues the past few days with email not filtering through and text/internet being sporadic. It didn’t start affecting me until yesterday

/end background info

I got home and was so tired and annoyed with my blackberry, so I switched back to my htc hero. In order to do that I had to get the phone number from online. I powered up the computer and opened up the internet (which for some reasons gave me problems the first time). When I opened the internet I noticed that I had two emails in my inbox (I have google chrome for a browser and I have a gmail extension on there so that it automatically tells me when an email is present without actually going to my inbox).

Now I’m not one that can just see that I have email and then not look to at least see who it’s from.

So curiosity got the best of me and I looked. And immediately my face lit up – in my inbox was an email from Sr. Colleen (remember, she’s the vocation director with the Salesians)!!!

She happened to be online while I was and we emailed back and forth for a bit. Long story short, we are meeting on October 25th.

To state that I’m excited would be an understatement.

The best part of the entire email coorospondance was: “I have been praying for this email from you!”

I had a hard time sleeping last night – all I felt was pure joy and happiness. I’m really excited.

Oh, and the roses. Well I found its owner. I was talking to my friend Dina who is the other co-coordinator of religious ed and telling her all about the story. The roses are hers. She switches out the flowers at church and stated that her husband must’ve dropped them.

Still…very happy!

Okay God, I’m ready

I have been away from blog land for about 5 days. Which really means I haven’t been reading any blogs.

It took me 7 hours to catch up. And by catch up I mean read the ones that really seemed interesting to me – and those who I’m closest to.

One of the blogs I read today was Elizabeth’s blog, I felt this fire – this passion burning in my heart. It was then I realized that I want to become a sister. I want to go visit with the sisters. I want to be there.

But I can’t.

I can’t even afford to drive back and forth to work – or have money for food – let alone drive down to New Jersey and back. And it saddens my heart. It saddens me to know that I have no idea when I’ll ever be able to visit – or join – because of financial reasons.

I’m sure that now this is a test of further trust. I mean, if I’m going to give up my life in service to Him, and lead a life of poverty, I should probably get used to it now.

Trust. Surrender. Believe. Receive.

I need to keep repeating that over and over again.

Trust. Surrender. Believe. Receive.

I don't own the rights

This Lenten season

Hanging in oratory at the motherhouse in Nashville

As Lent draws to a close I’ve taken a step back and reflected on my Lenten journey this year. What I’ve found is that I’m not where I hoped I’d be.

I started lent off right: with the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia. I was so excited, for a number of reasons to be going for a visit.

A replica of the tomb of St. Cecilia

The first reason I was excited to go was for obvious reasons: this was an order I was interested in pursuing and I wanted to spend time with them and get to know them. The not so obvious reason was because I needed to get away for a retreat that I didn’t have to lead, chaperone, or be in charge of in any way…I needed a retreat for me. It dawned on me just before I left that this retreat was during the very first weekend of Lent! What a great opportunity that was.

When I came back from retreat I felt as though my faith had skyrocketed. I was on top of the world and so very much on fire for God. I was reading the Bible like never before. Reading other religious books and articles…I couldn’t get enough!

But then, something changed. All of sudden I found myself in a place of darkness. I couldn’t read, couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t go to Adoration. Nothing. And it sucked even more knowing of the place that I had just came from – the place of peace and holiness.

I love this statue of the Holy Family

The darkness lifted, but the passion is still missing – the fire is smoldering – the concentration is nil. I’ve found myself making excuses for breaking my Lenten fasts early. I’ve sinned already – I’ve already fallen so why not?

If that’s not the work of the enemy then I don’t know what is.

And yet I sit here. Still trying to push myself out of the funk. Still trying to get back to my routine before the darkness – but I stay stuck.

I know that eventually I’ll get out, but this is not where I wanted to be at the end of Lent.

I may not be where I wanted to be, but I’m probably right where God wants me to be. It is through His grace that I have still been able to reach out through this blog (which typically would’ve dried out as I was drying out). It is through His grace that I have met my Catholic Sorority sisters on Twitter – who’ve kept me above the water even though they didn’t even know it. It is though is grace that I’ll continue to climb out of this pit and further into the light.

One thing I know for sure…there is still nothing in this world that I want more than to spend my life devoted to God. I want to be like this sister – 100% in love and in awe.

I started crying when I saw her kneeling there. She was praying the Stations

I believe I will get there – when the time is right.

Clouded vision

*There is another blog post written today before this one. Please take the time to read it!*

Taken by me

There are times in life that seem incredibly difficult.

Times where you think you can’t possibly handle one more thing.

Times of frustration, anger, sorrow and pain. Where you do all you can to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

This week was one of those times for me. A time where I felt I was struggling in the darkness, to see the glimmer of light that was trying to poke through. I didn’t think any good could come out of some of the decisions that were made, some things that were said, and the hurt that people were experiencing. To add onto the layer of my own personal darkness, came a death. A death that was expected, but definitely not wished for. A death of a great man who is now at home with his Heavenly Father while we are left picking up the pieces of our grieving hearts.

The darkness of this week was almost too much to bear. It seemed that everywhere I turned I heard of more bad than good. All my friends seemed to have been going through difficult times the same time I was. It was like all of a sudden my world was rocked and turned upside down and all those around me were feeling it’s effects. (Self centered much?)

I’ve finally started to see the light. The light has been shining more brightly each day. My low point on Thursday night brought a realization exactly what was happening – my faith was being tested…and I was definitely failing miserably.

Throughout all of this I should’ve been turning to God. I should’ve turned to Jesus, to Mary, to one of the Saints…someone who has been through struggle…who has known heartache. Instead, I blocked them out. I couldn’t hear God speaking to me. I couldn’t open up my bible because I was too distracted with all that was running through my head. I couldn’t sit with Him in adoration for fear of breaking down and crying. It was too much to bear. So I did what I always do – I sought out the advice of Godly women. While that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it probably isn’t exactly what God wanted me to do.

How am I going to become a sister if I don’t rely on Him?

How am I going to become a sister if I don’t trust Him?

How am I going to be come a sister and move away from all the Godly women I have here to rely solely on Him?

I have a lot of work to do. I’m not perfect. I fall. I make mistakes. I sin.

But the best part about all of that is that He still loves me just as I am. He wants me, just as I am. He’s not waiting for me to finish perfecting myself. In fact, He’s patiently waiting while I stand back and live my life for “one more year” before I actively start pursuing the Salesians in NJ. Selfish reasons are keeping me here. But you know what? He’s still going to love me – no matter what decision I make – and how long I take to make it.

***

A few days ago I had a conversation with one of my friends about my blog. She mentioned some concerns about some of the material that I have presented fearing that the information that I was providing wasn’t 100% accurate. I need to address this, because I don’t want to lead people astray, nor do I want people to think I am blaspheming about the Catholic faith.

This blog is a record of my vocation discernment process. During my discernment, I will write about various topics. Most all that I write in here is based on truth, but not necessarily 100% truth. (Like my Mary post)

Most of my writings contain my personal thoughts, feelings and ideas. I am NOT by any means, a go to source for all things Catholic. I do not know all the correct doctrine. I am not a theologian. I am not qualified to speak on behalf of the Catholic Church, nor have I ever claimed to.

This blog is for me to keep track, many years from now, the thoughts, the feelings, the struggles that I encountered while in the process of discernment. We are always growing, always changing, and writing has been a big part of my life for many years. It’s important for me to be able to write down things as I’m going through them.

If you ever have a question about something, please don’t hesitate to ask. If I overlook your question, ask me again! Most of you have access to me in other ways like facebook or twitter…feel free to reach out to get your question answered any way you wish!

So I visited some Sisters… #Catholic

I have some impatient people who read my blog! I’ve gotten numerous private messages asking me to hurry up and post my visit to the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia! Even though I’m just now getting a chance to write it…at 1:15am…good thing I don’t have to work tomorrow.

So I visited some Sisters this weekend.

It was good.

The end.

OKAY…geeze! Stop freaking out on me!

So I get down there on Friday and I was one of the first ones there. I’m not one to strike up a conversation with just anyone so I had a really hard time just jumping in the middle of others’ groups. It seemed as though most everyone there had at least one other person there that they knew.

The Sisters were great and really fun! They made everyone feel welcomed and important. If they saw someone standing off by themselves, they made an effort to come over and strike up a conversation. We went in the chapel for evening prayers and it was such a beautiful site to see all the sisters together – praying together and chanting the office. Their voices were so angelic and all I kept thinking was – I WANT THIS. I even texted a few people that message on Saturday. I was in such awe and felt like this is exactly where I needed to be.

God had another plan though.

Shortly after I sent out that message to people, I got the opportunity to have a meeting with Sister Mary Emily, the vocation director. I told her a little about myself and how I was interested in the community – how I was just blown away by the beauty and reverence that the sisters showed. She went on to ask me various questions: about my family, my job(s) (I included youth ministry as a job since most everyone there had a teaching background or youth ministry background), and about my schooling. It seems as though everyone was focused on one another’s schooling – who goes to school where and whether it was a Catholic school or not. I informed Sister Mary Emily of my past schooling – a year and a half at a state school and then many years later at the trade school.

She then informed me that she didn’t think I was going to be a good match for the community since studying is such a big part of their lives. Just based on my schooling information.

Of course I thought that was very unfair of her to judge me like that…and was kinda hurt. Just kinda…cause another part of me wasn’t. It was definitely a God moment.

I went to get in line for confession after that. I sat there for a half hour trying to sort out what just happened – and where I go from here. The line for confession wasn’t moving. And I had about 10 people in line before me with 40 minutes left before our next thing. (I was really bummed that I didn’t get to go – but will find a way to go this week). I decided to go sit outside where it was 75 degrees to just sit and think. I love sitting outside and having conversations with God…except that’s not what happened. Instead I started texting Lauren telling her about what was going on. I wasn’t really feeling defeated, but I was kinda bummed that I was “rejected”.

Our next thing was evening prayers. I went in and immediately the blinders were taken off – all the things that I was too blind to see before, suddenly came to light and I found a bunch of things I didn’t like about the order. Later on during adoration, I couldn’t concentrate. I was very all over the place and fuzzy. No matter how many times I tried to concentrate and focus, I wasn’t able to. I was later told that sometimes that is a sign as well, that I’m not where I’m supposed to be.

So what’s next?

A couple of things I have already decided:

1. I’m looking at a place closer to home – within driving distance. I can’t afford to keep flying all over the place – I couldn’t even afford to fly down this time!
2. I already have my next place in mind – except I am not going to announce it here yet. That will come in due time.

So that’s it. Any questions?

O How Blessed!

There is so much going through my head right now. I apologize in advance if this is all over the place.

I just love watching God at work in my life – especially when my eyes are open to see His work!

As you well know, yesterday was Ash Wednesday. I had mass at 7:30pm – which was really late – that I had to sing at. I have a good friend, Carol, who sings with me in choir. I absolutely love it when she is there. Last year we got assigned seats and miraculously we were seated next to one another. She makes me smile quite often.

Anyway. We were at mass and I was already in a giddy mood – excited about my trip this weekend. Earlier in the afternoon I had texted her to tell her just how excited I was to see her. Little did I know that she was having a crappy day and wasn’t planning on coming since she had gone to mass earlier in the morning. Father was talking about Ash Wednesday and asked why we were all there. Carol takes one look at me and points her thumb in my direction – as if to say that she was there because of me. I questioned her on it and she confirmed – the only reason she was there was because of me. My immediate response – “aww you do love me”. She quickly denied it. :-p

Of course that made me feel so loved. That she would come just for me. After I sat on that for a while I turned to her and asked her, “were you planning on coming, or did you decide to come because I texted you?”

It was my text that made her decide to come. She informed me that she had planned on coming originally, but after the day she had, she decided to stay home – but then I texted her and she just knew she had to be there with me – that she couldn’t skip out because I was there.

Cue water works.

The rest of the mass I was weepy. So full of love – not just from Carol – but God’s love as well. Looking around the church at all the people that were there – my community – who have shared so much of my journey with me; I was overcome with emotion. What a blessing it is to have so many people who are so active in my discernment process. From the youth group kids all the way up to Father Victor. It’s an amazing experience to feel that affirmation and support – and to know that no matter where this journey is leading me, I’ll still be welcomed with open arms.

Then, reality struck.

I’m going to Nashville. Not “sometime in March” – NOW.

And what better time to go than the first weekend of Lent! I will be able to pray the stations of the cross with the sisters, go to confession, go to adoration – what an amazing opportunity to go through – even if I don’t end up becoming a sister!

What an incredible blessing. How did I get to be so blessed?

P.S. Did I mention that I’m excited about this weekend?! Watch twitter and facebook for updates throughout the weekend! Don’t worry, twitter and fb will be secondary to God and His love!

Dear God

I need to level with you: I’m becoming anxious.

You know my heart and how easily I get nervous about upcoming events – especially when they are in new territory. Next week I will be packing my final things for Nashville. This is big. This is huge. I feel as though I’m in over my head. At the same time though, I am very excited to be able to meet with others who share a similar calling; to meet You in that very sacred and holy place. I know that you have your hand in all that shapes my life and I see it daily. I am blessed to have such a loving Father as You.

Help me to subdue any negative thoughts or feelings I am experiencing during this time – for I know they are not of You. Let my focus be on You and not get deterred – moreso during this fast approaching time of Lent. I want to be obedient and to do Your will – whatever that may be. Help me to see Your will for me for I’m afraid of not hearing it.

Thank you for all that You are, all that You’ve always been, and all that You will be.

Was Ham’s nickname, Bacon?

I think that is my best joke of all time. You know how Seth had three children: one of them being Ham. I asked my youth group kids (because my brain works in funny ways) if Ham’s nickname was bacon. Except I got it backwards and said “was Bacon’s nickname, Ham?”

Yeah. I’m special. :-p

I want to be a sister. Not like a sister as in a brother and sister way (I have one of them already…does anyone want her?), I mean a sister as in a religious sister. Except you probably already knew that. I have been subscribing to A Nun’s Life podcast at anunslife.org and last night I listened to one. It makes me really excited to go visit the Dominicans! Two more weeks…eeeek!!

I’ve already decided that I’m going to be glued to my phone the minute they drop me off at the airport. Calling people. Probably a short blog post. Calling more people. Since I have a 4 hour wait between when I get dropped off and when my flight leaves, I’m sure to find lots of people to talk to! (only in my head anyway…because it is a weekend, and most of my friends go MIA during the weekends)