Stagnant

I’m a very active person.

And by active I mean that I’m always going (not to be confused by exercise – because that is something that I desperately need to do, but don’t). I always have something planned and something to look forward to. Typically this time of year I’m preparing for a new year of youth group – normally I’d be starting that up this Sunday.

That’s not the case this year.

I don’t have anything in my immediate future that I can set my focus on.

I wrote elsewhere that I feel as though I’m just … done. That I’m done living – because really there isn’t anything going on. I’m not used to not doing something. I’m at a point right now where I’m beyond frustrated with all that stands in the way of my vocation and there isn’t much I can do about it. I’m ready to be with Jesus. Preferably in heaven – though I know that’s not going to happen anytime soon.

I guess I’m kinda frustrated with God in a way. Not because He hasn’t been there for me – I know He definitely has. I have been blessed with such a wonderful group of faithful women in my life – blessed beyond measure. But I lack patience. [Are you sensing a lesson here??] I want everything to happen already. I’m tired of waiting.

I guess I’m not where I need to be yet.

I told a friend of mine that God has stripped everything from my life right now – and I’m not used to this vastness of “nothing to do”. Don’t get me wrong, I still have plenty going on in my life, but nothing that I have to look forward to – retreats are done, there is no youth group to plan – I’m just sitting here feeling stagnant. But I also know that during this time of stagnant-ness, I am called to spend more time with Him.

Which makes sense if I’m going to be His spouse some day – Lord willing.

I know that He will provide – in His time. I know my time here is not done yet and no matter how much I complain about how things aren’t being done in MY timeline, He is still going to work in HIS timeline.

As the saying goes, I just need to suck it up buttercup!

Oh and a friend of mine reminded me of a piece of advice that I give out to others: trust. surrender. believe. receive.

I need to work on that…

Consecrated Life

People ask how I know that I am “called” to the religious life.

There isn’t a right answer for that.

I do know that I want to consecrated my life to Jesus – vita consecrata. I do know that when thinking of that lifestyle, I get butterflies in my stomach and an excitement and yearning. I do feel as though that is what I am called to do – not in a “I have peace” type of way, more in a “nothing has ever felt more right” kind of way.

But I’m not naive. I know that there will also be feelings of frustration, of heartache, of detachment. These are all real feelings that one would be expected to experience when making a major life change. Just because you’re making a life change for the better, does not eliminate your human emotions.

The best part about it is that no matter what, God is right by your side. He is the one that should be leaned on. People come and go out of your life but God is an ever-present constant.

Now if only I could live those words.

I want to live my life consecrated to God – but it is hard and probably one of the hardest things to do in a secular world. I want nothing more than to serve Him in an environment surrounded by others who only want to serve Him – in an environment that is so full of His presence – in a place where one never has to worry about finances.

Vita consecrata – consecrated life. It’s what should all strive for. Everyone interprets that phrase differently – consecrated life doesn’t mean the same thing for all religions.

How do you plan on living a consecrated life?

It’s been a long time coming…

I’ve heard that phrase a lot this week – “it’s been a long time coming”.

Things at work have changed. Security has been tightened. I can’t log into my blog from work. Since I do most of my blogging from work, that’s a huge impact on the future of this blog. I’ve been told though, that “it’s [these changes have] been a long time coming”

This blog post, is being written while I’m at work.

Are you confused yet?

I know how to cheat the system. I’ve gone around the security settings at work to be able to post this. And I feel as though I’m breaking rules. [probably because I am] And I’m super paranoid about someone discovering my “secret”. [which isn't so much of a secret since most of us know how to get around it] In an instance such as this I’m torn – between doing the “right” thing, and keeping my sanity. I work at a help desk that relies on phone calls and emails to do any work. If the calls and emails are not coming in, then I have to keep myself occupied. I need mental stimulation – especially since I’m here for 10 hour days.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I’m taking a chance on cheating the system. And what would Jesus have me do? It’s all a bit overwhelming to figure out as there are so many different variables.

I’ve been absent lately. And it’s not because I couldn’t access the log in page for the blog. I just have not had anything to write about. Sure there have been many situations where God has shown Himself to me. I just haven’t been able to formulate a meaningful post. Mostly because I haven’t been spending any meaningful time with Him. I used to stay fully connected with youth group – having to share lessons and such – but now that I’m no longer the youth minister a big chunk of my spiritual life was taken away. I have to compensate for that loss now. I have to find new ways to fill myself up.

I just haven’t done it yet.

I fell away from my novena when I got sick – and keep meaning to pick it back up but haven’t. I also want to read scripture. I have the desire to do so, but once I get home all is forgotten as home life/chores are screaming for their attention.

Guess I’m still working on that discipline – 7 months into the year and I still haven’t “perfected” my word of the year.

Trust

The word trust in my opinion, is the most difficult action.

Once your trust is broken with someone, it takes a long time to get it back. It’s always a work in progress – sometimes very painful.

In scripture we are told to “trust in the Lord with all your heart…” – Proverbs 3:5.

I’ve recently been through a situation regarding youth group in which I have  had to lean heavily on Him and trust that His will is being done – not mine. Though the situation wasn’t favorable and things were said that were hurtful, I have had to trust Him more than ever.

The great thing about trusting God, is that it usually brings a feeling of peace. God wants us to give Him our all – He’s already been through our struggles and has seen our pain but it is in our humanness that we keep it for ourselves – not wanting to let it go which can usually boil down to a lack of trust.

God has given us many people in our lives to utilize. I know that I sometimes I run to others for their advice/support/love before I turn to God seeking His help. And while the people in our lives were given to us by Him, we I need to be mindful that no one comes before God ever. He is the one who holds all the answers. Even if you are feeling alone and unloved, that’s never the case for God is always by your side.

There are various reasons why people have difficulty trusting. If you look deep within yourself you may find the answer. I need to work on trusting Him more fully – anyone care to join me?

Ants, Bees and God

Bugs seem to be the thing of spring 2011 for me. I live in the basement (a dry basement I might add – never seldom is there moisture) and this spring more than ever we’ve had bugs. Just enough to be annoying. I found ants on my laptop – going under the keys. It freaked me out thinking that I had some sort of infestation. Then I found ants in the laundry room. I promptly bought ant bait…and haven’t seen any ants at all.

I take that back. I have seen ants. They are all over the bathroom at work. I thought sugar ants were in search of sugar? What kind of sugar is in a bathroom? Or a basement for that matter?

As I was going to the bathroom at work today I watched the ants scamper around. While I was finishing up in the bathroom I had a thought – I should somehow make a blog post about ants and God and come up with some sort of correlation between the two.

I couldn’t really find any – ants can sometimes serve multiple queens in their “hive” (is that what they live in – a hive? a nest? a tunnel? What is the correct terminology?).  So  from ants, I moved onto bees…why I don’t really know. All I know is that I’m afraid of bees. This little tiny creature terrifies me stiff. I become paralyzed whenever they are around. I’ve also been known to hyperventilate with an over abundance of bees around.

Scared. Stiff.

As I was thinking of a blog post though, the ant to bee thought process got me to thinking about how bees are very much like us. They work and work and work – always coming back at the end of the day to report to their “queen”. While we don’t have a queen (well…technically Mary is the Queen of heaven and earth, but lets overlook that for a moment), we do have someone who we “report” to: husband, wife, friend, mother, father  – but most importantly God.

Everything that we do in our lives effects the lives of others. Maybe not directly but indirectly. Everyone that you are in contact with is effected by the decisions you make and the things you do…because it shapes who you are as a person. If you converse with another about your experiences, that too has an effect on someone else. And when we start to effect the Body of Christ – which could be both a good way or a bad way – God is in the center of it all.

The way we behave – the things we do – the words we say – can either bring people closer – or farther – from God. We are all a part of the Body of Christ and when one part of the body suffers, so does others.

It sounds pretty simple: live life the way God intended us to. Follow the rules of the Bible and of the Church. Remain faithful and surely your reward will be great. It’s a lot easier to say that than to do that.

God knows we are all going to stumble. We are all going to make mistakes. We are all going to do things that are going to be detrimental to the rest of the Body. But as one Body, while one part is injured, another part is there to overcompensate – to pick up your slack until you’re back on your feet.  We are never alone. Even when we feel we have done something completely incomprehensible. God will always place the people in your life that you need.

This past week I sinned – greatly. I realized the detriment of my actions and I immediately felt guilty – and devastated.  God provides the right person for each circumstance though – and He didn’t disappoint this time either. His loving embrace showered me. His forgiveness overwhelmed me. Peacefulness and joy swelled within me. And someone who I was so ashamed to be present with showed me what it’s truly like to be a member of the Body of Christ.

It’s easy to get caught up in life – trying to please everyone and make everyone else happy. I’m a worker ant – always there to serve the multiple “queens” that surround me. I want to be a worker bee – serving only one – God Himself.

Are you more like a worker ant…or a worker bee?

I will stand firm in HIM and HIM alone!

I don't own the rights

I don’t know how to start this entry coming from my last entry!

I just know that I’m not in that same place as I was on Monday – THANK GOD!

I’m going to try to make sense of things that have been going on – you may still be a little lost at the end, but I think it’s important for me to explain.

For about a month and a half now I have been in a place of darkness – under attack. I know it was an attack because of the things that were going through my head – and the voices that were coinciding with it. It was an overall dark time and it was not good! I posted a  few times on twitter and on here how I was in such a dark place and I needed prayers. I legit was suck in this rut that I couldn’t shake and if it wasn’t for the prayers of you all, I very well might still be stuck there. Thank you…from the bottom of my heart.

Saturday I wrote a post that stated I felt as though I was coming out of my rut – and I was really excited! I felt the passion to write coming back – the passion to spend time with my Lord and lover – the passion in general. It was great!

Sunday I slid. I went to mass, but while I was there I felt the darkness consume me. It took everything within me not to break down right there during mass. It was painful – literally. Father made a comment in his homily, which he’s mentioned numerous times before, that if you don’t have Jesus in your heart/life then how can you share Him with others? That comment became so twisted in my head and before I knew it I was blaming myself for everything going wrong in the world – another attack from satan.

Mind you, I hadn’t really talked to anyone about this issue. I’ve been battling it on my own. Whatever was going on inside my head was pretty much staying there – you were really the only ones who saw glimpses of it. It was so bad that I kept being told “you can’t talk to anyone about this – no one wants to hear your whining  – you’re always bringing everyone else down”. I’m talking major attackage here!

After I left mass on Sunday, my life presumed and I was bouncing back to my passion. I went to bed. I woke up. And it was like all hell broke loose. Satan was trying one more time to shake me from God’s hand. I kept praying to God to help me – to save me from his grasp.

Monday I was involved in some online drama. Some pretty mean things were said – and I felt as though I really and honestly failed at everything. Fail is such a harsh word, but it is a word I associate with well. Growing up I always felt as though I was failing, so to be told that I was failing (those weren’t the words used – just the general jist of it) sent my brain into overdrive.  I panicked. I felt for certain that everyone saw me the same way as I was being told I was. Hollie and Lauren tried their best to assure me that it wasn’t true – but I wasn’t hearing any of it – I was convinced that I was worthless and a failure.

Guess now is the time to thank you all for your wonderful comments, prayers and support during that time – even if I did sometimes roll my eyes and think “they don’t know me – I really AM as bad as I’ve been told”!

Monday afternoon I was subbing CCD for a third grade class. All the way there I kept thinking “how am I going to bring these kids to know Christ when I’m so far removed from Him right now?” I managed to successfully teach the class (about Mary!) and then went to sit in front of the tabernacle in the church. My church has a 24/7 perpetual Eucharistic adoration chapel, but I wasn’t ready to “face” Jesus – I was condemning myself from Him. In front of the tabernacle I sat there – and cried. I couldn’t do anything else – couldn’t speak – couldn’t really pray. Then I stopped myself for fear of someone walking into the church and just sat there – and felt so sad. I felt as though I was defeated. I tried to reach out to a couple of my friends but they were busy. I sat a bit more, then left – not really feeling any better than I did when I had first arrived.

I got home, started making dinner and then my saving grace came – I received a phone call from my one real life friend who reads my blog regularly. And we talked. And talked. And talked. And it actually was a good conversation – I was able to sort things out. She pointed things out to me that I really already knew – but wasn’t hearing. I am NOT worthless. I am NOT a failure. I AM valuable to her and to many others in my community. She reassured me that I’m not a burden onto anyone and that a relationship is a two way street. It was exactly what I needed – God put her there to reach out to me. What a blessing.

Phone conversations continued – I spoke with two more of my closest friends that night. By the end of the night I was flying high! I knew without a doubt that what I was experiencing was not of God. I knew that He didn’t want me to be beating myself up (something I struggle with daily) nor did He want me to be hurting. My heart started filling and I started soaring! Even though the drama continued, I didn’t let it bother me. I am worth so much more than the way I was being treated and I needed to stand firm in HIM and no one else.  It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me – really – because all that matters is Him and how much He loves me. He will always love me, and you, no matter what we do. It’s amazing – what a blessing!

I don’t know where tomorrow will lead me but I know that no matter what I go through, I will never be alone. I can’t let myself get to the point where I feel I can’t pray because “He doesn’t love me” – what a line of bull! I can’t believe I fell into that trap – but I know that there were lessons learned from this experience.

Thank you again for praying, for loving me, and for being compassionate. I am blessed.

Clouded vision

*There is another blog post written today before this one. Please take the time to read it!*

Taken by me

There are times in life that seem incredibly difficult.

Times where you think you can’t possibly handle one more thing.

Times of frustration, anger, sorrow and pain. Where you do all you can to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

This week was one of those times for me. A time where I felt I was struggling in the darkness, to see the glimmer of light that was trying to poke through. I didn’t think any good could come out of some of the decisions that were made, some things that were said, and the hurt that people were experiencing. To add onto the layer of my own personal darkness, came a death. A death that was expected, but definitely not wished for. A death of a great man who is now at home with his Heavenly Father while we are left picking up the pieces of our grieving hearts.

The darkness of this week was almost too much to bear. It seemed that everywhere I turned I heard of more bad than good. All my friends seemed to have been going through difficult times the same time I was. It was like all of a sudden my world was rocked and turned upside down and all those around me were feeling it’s effects. (Self centered much?)

I’ve finally started to see the light. The light has been shining more brightly each day. My low point on Thursday night brought a realization exactly what was happening – my faith was being tested…and I was definitely failing miserably.

Throughout all of this I should’ve been turning to God. I should’ve turned to Jesus, to Mary, to one of the Saints…someone who has been through struggle…who has known heartache. Instead, I blocked them out. I couldn’t hear God speaking to me. I couldn’t open up my bible because I was too distracted with all that was running through my head. I couldn’t sit with Him in adoration for fear of breaking down and crying. It was too much to bear. So I did what I always do – I sought out the advice of Godly women. While that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it probably isn’t exactly what God wanted me to do.

How am I going to become a sister if I don’t rely on Him?

How am I going to become a sister if I don’t trust Him?

How am I going to be come a sister and move away from all the Godly women I have here to rely solely on Him?

I have a lot of work to do. I’m not perfect. I fall. I make mistakes. I sin.

But the best part about all of that is that He still loves me just as I am. He wants me, just as I am. He’s not waiting for me to finish perfecting myself. In fact, He’s patiently waiting while I stand back and live my life for “one more year” before I actively start pursuing the Salesians in NJ. Selfish reasons are keeping me here. But you know what? He’s still going to love me – no matter what decision I make – and how long I take to make it.

***

A few days ago I had a conversation with one of my friends about my blog. She mentioned some concerns about some of the material that I have presented fearing that the information that I was providing wasn’t 100% accurate. I need to address this, because I don’t want to lead people astray, nor do I want people to think I am blaspheming about the Catholic faith.

This blog is a record of my vocation discernment process. During my discernment, I will write about various topics. Most all that I write in here is based on truth, but not necessarily 100% truth. (Like my Mary post)

Most of my writings contain my personal thoughts, feelings and ideas. I am NOT by any means, a go to source for all things Catholic. I do not know all the correct doctrine. I am not a theologian. I am not qualified to speak on behalf of the Catholic Church, nor have I ever claimed to.

This blog is for me to keep track, many years from now, the thoughts, the feelings, the struggles that I encountered while in the process of discernment. We are always growing, always changing, and writing has been a big part of my life for many years. It’s important for me to be able to write down things as I’m going through them.

If you ever have a question about something, please don’t hesitate to ask. If I overlook your question, ask me again! Most of you have access to me in other ways like facebook or twitter…feel free to reach out to get your question answered any way you wish!

He is near

Image via CrunchBase

Last night I tweeted the following: when life feels like it’s spiraling out of control, it’s usually because God is doing some mighty work within you.

It’s easy for me to say while my life is moving along even keel at the moment and the spiraling is going on all around me instead of taking me along with it. Over the past couple of days, life has been crazy. Things have been happening within my youth group that have needed immediate attention and action. One could even sit back and say “what have we done wrong? why is this happening to us?” Surprisingly though, I’m not saying any of that. Even though the situation isn’t favorable and there is much needed cleanup work to be done, I can see God working through the entire situation.

Working with teenagers can prove to be hard at times. Teenagers are a difficult group to reach; you either reach them, or they shun you and try to make life difficult for themselves and the one who is trying to reach them with the truth. It takes a special person to be able to work with teenagers…to be able to understand, relate, and teach them at an age when so much of their life is driven by emotions and by what others think of them.

Working with teenagers, is also the biggest blessing I could ever ask for. God has used them in so many ways to teach me lessons. Even through all the drama, tears and frustration, God never ceases to have a lesson awaiting on the other side; whether it be for me or for one of the teens. Lately, He has been working on me a lot though.

It’s no secret that I’m addicted to facebook. I’m always on it and if I can’t be on the computer and really need to check it, I have the ability to do so on my phone. I kept telling myself that I needed to be “always available” to the teens in order to effectively minister to them. Because of my facebook presence, I do hear/read/see a lot of stuff that I wouldn’t necessarily know about without it…which is a blessing and a curse all in one. It’s also why I can’t give up texting as it’s their form of communication.

God though, has started to show me the damage that facebook can hold. The amount of information that people put out on there creates a breeding ground for gossip. I know I’m guilty of falling into the trap of “did you see what was posted on fb?” It wasn’t until this week that I started to realize the detriment that it causes to relationships…and it’s starting to leave a sour taste in my  mouth. Had you told me a week ago that I’d feel this way, I wouldn’t have believed you. God has certainly stirred my heart.

God is always near. Even in the midst of chaos. Even if you don’t feel Him around you. Even when you feel disconnected and lost. He is near. And through every valley and plain, He reaches out to you – to guide you, to teach you and most importantly – to love you.

 

Amazing

God is amazing.

I can tell you that He is amazing all the time, but I love to see Him at work. He has been at work all around me lately, and I’ve just been in awe.

Often times, when one is on the journey of discerning  the closer one gets to God, the more things around them seem to change. Sometimes that change is difficult to accept with the loss of friendships and relationships. No matter what change may occur, it’s all for the greater glory of God and He’ll show you eventually that all the “heartache” is temporary and something much greater is awaiting.

I’ve been going through some struggles…that’s no secret. A lot of my struggles have been regarding different relationships in my life. While another portion is an internal struggle of which all my faults and sins are being brought to light daily…which is something new and foreign to me.

I’m a youth minister at my church and we are preparing for a teen retreat that will take place this summer. We just had our second meeting last night, but the past couple of weeks we’ve been planning the team and such. There are about 10 adults on this team to assist the teens and plan and supervise with them. In our humanness, there has been some tension with myself and two other adults.

The kids are aware of the issues surrounding me and the two other adults. I have developed though, a new mantra when it comes to dealing with whatever issues may arise during the preparation: give it all to Him; I’m not in charge. I keep repeating that over and over and it’s amazing to see what results of it. I have never been so much at peace as I was last night. I spent time in front of Jesus in adoration before hand I just asked Him to fill me with His love so that I can love everyone as He loves us.

It worked.

And I was so much in awe of Him…and even the three of us who have had issues. Obedience to Him will get us all to a place of peace and contentment…in His time.

Moral of the story: don’t give up. Keep plugging through as you will see the hand of God on the other side of the hill. That’s not to say that life is going to be perfect, as we all know that will never be the case, but all that you’ve been blessed with will be brought forth to your attention and you will stand in awe.

Nothing changes

I’m such a terrible Christian.

Granted, I know of people who profess to be Christians and act much worse than I, but I feel as though I’m always falling short. I say I’m going to spend more time in the word and with God, but then it doesn’t happen. I say I’m going to stop doing that terrible sin that I keep committing over and over again, but I keep giving into the desires of my flesh.

I’m a wretched sinner.

And I’ve lost my zeal…my zest and passion that I’ve once had for Christ. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still in love with Him, but I feel as though I’ve hit a plateau…full of lack of motivation and drive and desire to spend more time with Him.

Part of me in the back of my head says “I’ll be living a life serving and praying on a much deeper level for the rest of my life…don’t I get to the chance to just enjoy life now as it is?”…such the wrong attitude to have.

I know that God wants those who are most wretched. Those who are most wretched can glorify Him in a more greater capacity than those who are close to perfect. It boggles my mind though, why He’d chose me.

Then again, I guess He chose me even before I was born…