It is Jesus…

“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.

It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”
― Pope John Paul II

source

Tell Him your plans – He’ll laugh

Today I met up with Sr. Colleen – vocation director for the Salesian Sisters (also known as Daughters of Mary Help of Christians). *waves* Hi Sister!!

Before I get into the actual meeting part, I must say that God is very comical – or maybe I’m the one who is comical. I went into this meeting with “expectations”. Like Sr. was going to fall in love with me, have paperwork for me to sign, tell me to come visit sometime before August and BAM – I’m in!

Okay, maybe not that extreme.

Before we met we got the chance to talk on the phone for a bit the night before. We were originally supposed to meet for dinner but plans had to change and we decided to move it up to an early lunch. When talking to her on the phone I felt complete peace and no nervousness at all. It kinda felt surreal.

So we get to the restaurant today (Red Robin – YUM!) and again that sense of peace and calm was all consuming. I felt no anxiousness or nervousness at all. It kinda felt too good to be true.

And it almost kinda was.

See, I went in with expectations. And it’s never good to go into any kind of vocation possibility with expectations – often times they are unreal. After conversations with @britestack, I thought for sure that I was going to be able to enter this coming August. My bags were practically packed.

That won’t be the case. Maybe it will be for @britestack, but not for me. You see, I have debt. Roughly $20,000. And I don’t have a Bachelors degree in anything – both of those are hindrances. In order for me to be able to enter all my debt has to be gone. (Still unsure of if I need a BA in order to enter or not? Maybe someone can clarify that – Sr. Colleen or Ashley?)

I left that meeting feeling a bit discouraged. I had gotten my hopes up and started to expect certain things were going to happen. It wasn’t until way later on in the day while I was sitting with my friend Carol, that I realized something – life isn’t easy.

It took me all day long to figure that out. (Maybe I’m a bit slow??)

While talking things out with Carol, I came to realize some things.
1. I still have some work to do on me. Pride being one thing I need to start chiseling away.
2. Even though I’ve been searching and discerning and thinking about this for years, doesn’t mean it’s going to be an easy road. Every vocation consists of hardships and it is not going to be easy.

Carol told me I needed to go sit with Jesus and just write. To which of course I fought. (Stubborn much?)
Finally I gave in and went in the church with my journal and pencil. And lo and behold she was right! (She usually is)
I sat there and heard over and over to TRUST. He knows the plans for me. I am on the right path but I need to TRUST.

Well then. Guess I can’t argue much with God!

So while I’m not as discouraged as I was when I first left Sr. Colleen, I’m hopeful. I know that God is leading me the way He wants me to go.

Now if only I can die to myself and trust Him fully. Maybe then we can get somewhere…

JOY!!

What a crazy awesome day it was yesterday!

The day started like any other Wednesday: I worked and then drove to church to wait for choir practice to start. I get out of work at 4:30 and usually arrive at the church a little after 5. Choir practice starts at 7. I typically spend the two hours reading or having some Jesus time instead of going home and wasting the gas (I live a half hour away from church).

I had plans of meeting my friend Brenda up at the church – she had something she wanted to give me to bring to a mutual friend of ours (she works as a co-coordinator of religious ed at the church). I called her to let her know I was there, and she didn’t answer. So I decided to go into the church to sit with Jesus for a bit. And that’s where the fun begins!

I opened the door to the church and right there on the floor is a bouquet of fake roses – just chilling there. I thought it was very odd and I actually remember looking all around me wondering if they belonged to anyone. I picked them up and thought to myself “is this supposed to be some sort of sign?” I remember thinking about St. Therese wondering why she’d leave me roses when I haven’t even prayed to her. Then I chalked it up to maybe it was a sign from Mary – but what?

I brought the flowers in and put them by Mary and then went to sit with Jesus.

Then Brenda called me and I went into the office with her. Now, I have been in this office NUMEROUS times. One of our priests recently got a computer. He never had a computer before and really doesn’t know how to use it. Brenda was going back and forth trying to help him and trying to do some work herself. One of the times Father called her into his office, I sat there staring at the bookshelf. The same bookshelf I’ve looked at numerous times. There on that bookshelf was a boxed collection titled “Salesian’s Collections”.

I had to do a double take. Did that really say Salesians? Salesians as in the order I’m highly interested in?

At this point I was just – awed. Were the roses and this boxed collection signs from God? Is He trying to tell me that I’m heading in the right direction? It’s all strangely coincedental.

The excitement ends. No more signs occur. I go to choir and I’m…happy. At one point I was laughing so hard I was crying. It was such a great feeling to feel so full of happy – and joy.

I interrupt this story for a bit of background information.

Background info 1: I have been fasting from electronics on Wednesday and Friday nights – so that I spend time focusing on God more.

Background info 2: The blackberry servers were having all kinds of issues the past few days with email not filtering through and text/internet being sporadic. It didn’t start affecting me until yesterday

/end background info

I got home and was so tired and annoyed with my blackberry, so I switched back to my htc hero. In order to do that I had to get the phone number from online. I powered up the computer and opened up the internet (which for some reasons gave me problems the first time). When I opened the internet I noticed that I had two emails in my inbox (I have google chrome for a browser and I have a gmail extension on there so that it automatically tells me when an email is present without actually going to my inbox).

Now I’m not one that can just see that I have email and then not look to at least see who it’s from.

So curiosity got the best of me and I looked. And immediately my face lit up – in my inbox was an email from Sr. Colleen (remember, she’s the vocation director with the Salesians)!!!

She happened to be online while I was and we emailed back and forth for a bit. Long story short, we are meeting on October 25th.

To state that I’m excited would be an understatement.

The best part of the entire email coorospondance was: “I have been praying for this email from you!”

I had a hard time sleeping last night – all I felt was pure joy and happiness. I’m really excited.

Oh, and the roses. Well I found its owner. I was talking to my friend Dina who is the other co-coordinator of religious ed and telling her all about the story. The roses are hers. She switches out the flowers at church and stated that her husband must’ve dropped them.

Still…very happy!

Gen X: Act of Contrition

O My God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you.
And I detest all my sins because of your just punishment.
But most of all because I offend you, My God, who are all good and deserving of all my love
I firmly resolve, with the help of Your grace, to sin no more, and to avoid the near occasion of sin.    Amen.

All Christian religions profess contrition – an apology – to God for our sins. A lot of Christian religions use a more personal approach when approaching God with their sins and apologizing to Him within context of a normal conversation that one would have with Him.

Catholics recite what’s call the Act of Contrition. This prayer has changed over the years, more recently being changed to simpler words making it easier people to recite, remember, and understand. I was taught the old school way – with the prayer above, but there are several versions all stating the same thing: I am sorry for my sins and I deserve any punishment you may give to me.

An interesting fact about the Act of Contrition, is that it is not part of the Roman Missal itself. Most priests these days don’t require you to say a specific Act of Contrition (as pre Vatican II), and many encourage one to make contrition to God in their own words.

Use of the Act of Contrition is typical during the Sacrament of Reconciliation - where one goes to confess their sins to God. The Sacrament of Reconciliation is not a man-made one. Jesus stated, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16

Jesus instructed us to tell our sins to one another. That is how the Sacrament of Reconciliation came to be. God works through us all. He gives us gifts and talents that we are to use to glorify Him. It’s a priests “job” to be the hands and feet of Jesus – to represent holiness, humility and faithfulness (though they are most certainly human and do in fact stumble themselves!)

During the Sacrament of Reconciliation, the priest, through the POWER OF GOD, absolves one from their sins. It is not the priest who is doing the forgiving or the priest who has the power to accept ones forgiveness – it is God and God alone. The priest is there as God’s visual representation – to be His hands and voice to the penitent.

Father forgive them, for they know not what they do. Luke 23:34

Stagnant

I’m a very active person.

And by active I mean that I’m always going (not to be confused by exercise – because that is something that I desperately need to do, but don’t). I always have something planned and something to look forward to. Typically this time of year I’m preparing for a new year of youth group – normally I’d be starting that up this Sunday.

That’s not the case this year.

I don’t have anything in my immediate future that I can set my focus on.

I wrote elsewhere that I feel as though I’m just … done. That I’m done living – because really there isn’t anything going on. I’m not used to not doing something. I’m at a point right now where I’m beyond frustrated with all that stands in the way of my vocation and there isn’t much I can do about it. I’m ready to be with Jesus. Preferably in heaven – though I know that’s not going to happen anytime soon.

I guess I’m kinda frustrated with God in a way. Not because He hasn’t been there for me – I know He definitely has. I have been blessed with such a wonderful group of faithful women in my life – blessed beyond measure. But I lack patience. [Are you sensing a lesson here??] I want everything to happen already. I’m tired of waiting.

I guess I’m not where I need to be yet.

I told a friend of mine that God has stripped everything from my life right now – and I’m not used to this vastness of “nothing to do”. Don’t get me wrong, I still have plenty going on in my life, but nothing that I have to look forward to – retreats are done, there is no youth group to plan – I’m just sitting here feeling stagnant. But I also know that during this time of stagnant-ness, I am called to spend more time with Him.

Which makes sense if I’m going to be His spouse some day – Lord willing.

I know that He will provide – in His time. I know my time here is not done yet and no matter how much I complain about how things aren’t being done in MY timeline, He is still going to work in HIS timeline.

As the saying goes, I just need to suck it up buttercup!

Oh and a friend of mine reminded me of a piece of advice that I give out to others: trust. surrender. believe. receive.

I need to work on that…

Gen X: Sacred Tradition

And so begins my series on the blog article shared here in my previous post.

First on the list is Sacred Tradition.

To non-Catholics, Sacred Tradition is a “scary” term (and I use scary lightly). It’s important to know that Catholics do not rely solely on Tradition, but we very heavily utilize Sacred Scripture.

Probably one of the most important things to remember about Sacred Tradition is that it has been around much longer than Scripture even has. Oral tradition was all that the earliest church fathers ever knew – the earliest writings didn’t occur until years after Christ.

“There are also many other things which Jesus did; were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written” (John 21:25).

Tradition was – and still is – a necessary part of Christianity. A lot of non-Catholics believe in what’s called sola scriptura – Scripture alone – but sola scriptura is not in Scripture – where as Jesus stated many time (in various ways): “go into all the world and preach the gospel to the whole creation” (Mark 16:15). When Jesus was giving these instructions to His followers, His followers were illiterate. Very few people of Jesus’ time were able to read.

St. Paul, whose letters were written after Jesus’ time on earth, stated: “To this he called you through our Gospel, so that you may obtain the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ. So then, brethren, stand firm and hold to the traditions which you were taught by us, either by word of mouth or by letter” (2 Thess. 2:14–15).

Oral Tradition.

It’s called Sacred Tradition because it is – it is the Sacred works of Jesus Christ and His teachings while He was on earth. And while there is also Sacred Scripture to back up Jesus’ teachings, as St. John stated in his gospel, not all of His works and teachings could be written down.

That being said, I do have to concur with non-Catholics in which they state that any oral tradition handed down from generation to generation has a tendancy to get muddled and distorted. Humanness can indeed get in the way of holiness. But God always prevails. Jesus promised us: “When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come” (John 16:13). As per belief of Catholics, the Papcy is protected under God (More on that to come at a later date – no need for discussion on that now) but as the Catechism of the Catholic Church states: “The apostles entrusted the ‘sacred deposit’ of the faith (the depositum fidei), contained in Sacred Scripture and Tradition, to the whole of the Church” (Catechism of the Catholic Church 84)

Tradition as well as Scripture are vital parts of Christianity. It wasn’t until about 500 years ago that it started to be refuted.

Consecrated Life

People ask how I know that I am “called” to the religious life.

There isn’t a right answer for that.

I do know that I want to consecrated my life to Jesus – vita consecrata. I do know that when thinking of that lifestyle, I get butterflies in my stomach and an excitement and yearning. I do feel as though that is what I am called to do – not in a “I have peace” type of way, more in a “nothing has ever felt more right” kind of way.

But I’m not naive. I know that there will also be feelings of frustration, of heartache, of detachment. These are all real feelings that one would be expected to experience when making a major life change. Just because you’re making a life change for the better, does not eliminate your human emotions.

The best part about it is that no matter what, God is right by your side. He is the one that should be leaned on. People come and go out of your life but God is an ever-present constant.

Now if only I could live those words.

I want to live my life consecrated to God – but it is hard and probably one of the hardest things to do in a secular world. I want nothing more than to serve Him in an environment surrounded by others who only want to serve Him – in an environment that is so full of His presence – in a place where one never has to worry about finances.

Vita consecrata – consecrated life. It’s what should all strive for. Everyone interprets that phrase differently – consecrated life doesn’t mean the same thing for all religions.

How do you plan on living a consecrated life?

He doesn’t like it…

I’m surprised I didn’t think of this earlier. My friend Carol had to point it out to me. This is information that I already knew, but definitely needed to be reminded: satan is going to do everything in his power to get me to doubt my calling and keep me away from getting closer to God.

Duh.

After hearing that everything made sense. I have been having a lot of doubts lately and I’ve been afraid to even admit that I have been. Last night it all came to head and I needed a release. I went to the church to spend some time with Jesus and as soon as I got there I started crying. I moved from the adoration chapel to inside the church in front of the tabernacle and sobbed.

Life gets in the way of what I truly want to do and it frustrates me beyond measure. And it wouldn’t be so hard to endure if I left it at His feet. I keep taking it back though. I keep thinking that I need to be in control of everything. I’m trying so hard to do His will and do what He wants me to do in all areas of my life. And often times I feel as though I fail miserably.

Of course, that in turn makes me beat myself up even more. That certainly sounds like satan to me.

This walk is not going to be easy – even though I wish it would be. Like Peter, I need to have the faith to “walk on water” and to keep my focus on Jesus. It’s when I take my eyes off of Him that I start to “sink” and doubt Him.

This is what I think…

The Catholic church has been bashed numerous times for her “stubbornness” and “lack of willingness to conform to societal demands”. There are many “hot topics” that circulate around the church: Abortion, Gay Marriage, Death Penalty – just to name a few.

The Church puts out her stance, and as the Catholic body of Christ we are to abide by those rules.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who disagree and have no problem going against what the Church teaches. On the flip side, there are some extreme die-hard Catholics who are go overboard with “sin bashing” and do not take into effect the humanity of the person in question.

I’ve always been one to follow the rules – all rules – that are put before me. For the most part, I’ve maintained that mentality all through life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not perfect and I do my share of breaking the rules – like talking on my cell phone while driving [even though I've received a ticket for it already] and speeding [which is a societal norm these days] – daily. Sometimes though, I think that people need to be people, and realize that everyone has feelings and opinions that are valid.

I’m sure this post is going to cause a lot of turmoil, but hear me out. I’m going to state, again, that the following is my opinion and my feelings ONLY. Unless specified, this is not the view of the Catholic church as a whole.

Now, lets talk about homosexuals.

I think that maybe because I’ve been surrounded my homosexuals for most of my life, that I don’t find it to be a “big deal” and I can see those who do not have loved ones who are homosexual can get upset. Let me clarify “big deal” – I have an uncle, an aunt and two cousins who are homosexual. One of my cousins is married, and I couldn’t imagine her wife not being a part of my family. Being Catholic, all of the above mentioned people are aware of the stance that the Church has. They know that we don’t approve of their marriage because it goes against Church teaching. They also know, that we love them – for who they are and will continue to all the days of our lives.

Let me clarify a misconception: the Catholic Church is NOT anti-gay. We do NOT hate gays nor do we push them out of the Church. THAT is church teaching. 100%. What the Catholic Church does NOT approve of, is the marriage between two same-sex couples. THAT is Church teaching as well. Like I said earlier, there are always going to be those who are going to push the envelope and push people away. THAT is HUMANITY not the Church. It is possible to be homosexual and still be a part of the Church – and even a part of  clergy and religious who chose to remain celibate as they have an understanding of the sanctity of marriage and family  [and don't EVEN go there with the whole pedophile thing because THAT is not a same-sex attraction - its human stupidity - which we see all the time out of the Church as well]. The Church embraces all. The Church also discourages sinning. It doesn’t matter what sex you’re attracted to, sex outside of marriage is a SIN – again, Church teaching.

There is a difference between condoning a relationship and accepting the individuals – at least in my eyes. We are ALL sinners and there is no sin that is greater than the other. It’s important to remember that when we want to “cast the first stone” or point out another’s’ sin. Yes, we are to be held accountable to one another, but the one we really  need to be accountable to is God. I am not here to judge another and to shun them from my life – and maybe that is a character flaw on my part – but it’s not something that I’m going to change.

Jesus loves everyone. He dined with the worst of sinners. His apostles who He put in charge of leading His church, denied Him and left Him “for dead”. Jesus knows we are not perfect, and He doesn’t expect us to be. We are to strive for perfection, but we will always fall short – no matter who you are.

Let us remember that we are no better off than that of our neighbor. No sin is greater than another. And Jesus’ first command was to “love one another, as I have loved you”. Jesus loves ALL His brothers and sisters. God loves ALL His children. We are all created by God – and He doesn’t love any of us more or less than another.

Ascension Thursday??

I live in Connecticut.

Up until today I never knew that a holy day could be “celebrated later”. Today is a day of obligation for me – as it has always been. But I’ve learned that those who don’t live in the ecclesiastical provinces of Boston, Hartford, New York, Newark, Philadelphia, and Omaha (the state of Nebraska) – celebrate the Ascension on Sunday.

Why?

The Feast of the Ascension is in honor of the ascension of Christ – which took place 40 days after Easter Sunday.

Today marks 40 days after Easter Sunday.

I haven’t found an answer as to why it changed other than the lame excuse of “attendance was declining at masses for Ascension Thursday” – because if that’s the case why not just cancel Sunday mass too?

I’m glad I live in one of the diocese that still keeps this day as a Holy Day.

It just means more Jesus for me!