Father knows best

For a while now I’ve felt as though I wasn’t doing my part in my relationship with God.

Yeah I’d go to church every Sunday and on holy days. I’d say a quick prayer here and there. I surround myself with Christian music and Catholic images. I strive to live my life according to His will and His commandments. But I wasn’t putting the effort in to keeping our relationship alive. I was just going through the motions and not bothering to spend any extra time with Him.

Here is what I’ve learned: a relationship can’t grow if you don’t spend time with the person you’re trying to establish a relationship with.

Groundbreaking, I know.

This past Friday I was at my teen retreat meeting and one of the adults pulls me off to the side. She wanted to know if I’d be on team for the women’s retreat that is coming up in September. I didn’t really know how to answer – what I wanted to do was just scream YES since it had been so long since I’ve been on a women’s team – but all the doubts and worries came to my mind. How am I going to pay for this? How am I going to be able to swing this at work? I start house sitting the weekend that I’m on retreat – How am I going to swing that? I told her I’d pray about it and let her know.

I did pray about it. Kept asking God what He wanted me to do. Then everything started falling into place. My main concern was money: how was I going to afford this retreat. I called my mother first thing on Saturday morning and started telling her about how I was asked. I made mention about how I wasn’t sure if I could do it because I didn’t really have the money – she told me not to worry about that – that it would be my birthday gift.

Okay. So that was a positive step.

I was also worried about time off of work. Then I realized that I really did have the time, if I didn’t go to the Woman of Faith conference in November – which was no biggie.

Okay. One more worry checked off my list.

My last worry was my cousin. My cousin and his wife are going away for their 25th wedding anniversary. For two weeks they are going to Hawaii and leaving me behind with their three kids and dog: 17, 15 and 6. They leave on the 10th of September – while this retreat was happening. So I texted my cousin to find out if the kids could spend the night Saturday night somewhere. Her response “NO PROBLEM! You don’t even have to be here on weekends if you don’t want to”

Well then. Guess I have nothing stopping me.

So I accepted the slot. The team meetings started last night. And let me just say – I felt so much peace and joy.

Before the  meeting started I spent some time in adoration just asking God to be with me. Chanting His name over and over. I then moved into the meeting and people started arriving. We really didn’t know who was going to be on team, but the surprise and the love that was shown when various people walked through the door was amazing. I felt like I was “home”.

The night progressed. Things were shared. Laughs were had as well as a few tears shed. At the end of the night we prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet in front of the tabernacle. It was then that I was transported elsewhere. While we were praying, all I kept thinking about were the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia and my visit with them. I could see them all kneeling and praying. I could hear their voices all raising up together as one. It was such a cool experience and I knew at that moment that God had me there not only to serve others, but to solidify my calling.

Father knows whats best for us.

This is going to be an interesting journey. A journey of forgiveness. A journey of letting things go. A journey of love and mercy. A journey of direction and discernment.

I can’t wait!

This Lenten season

Hanging in oratory at the motherhouse in Nashville

As Lent draws to a close I’ve taken a step back and reflected on my Lenten journey this year. What I’ve found is that I’m not where I hoped I’d be.

I started lent off right: with the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia. I was so excited, for a number of reasons to be going for a visit.

A replica of the tomb of St. Cecilia

The first reason I was excited to go was for obvious reasons: this was an order I was interested in pursuing and I wanted to spend time with them and get to know them. The not so obvious reason was because I needed to get away for a retreat that I didn’t have to lead, chaperone, or be in charge of in any way…I needed a retreat for me. It dawned on me just before I left that this retreat was during the very first weekend of Lent! What a great opportunity that was.

When I came back from retreat I felt as though my faith had skyrocketed. I was on top of the world and so very much on fire for God. I was reading the Bible like never before. Reading other religious books and articles…I couldn’t get enough!

But then, something changed. All of sudden I found myself in a place of darkness. I couldn’t read, couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t go to Adoration. Nothing. And it sucked even more knowing of the place that I had just came from – the place of peace and holiness.

I love this statue of the Holy Family

The darkness lifted, but the passion is still missing – the fire is smoldering – the concentration is nil. I’ve found myself making excuses for breaking my Lenten fasts early. I’ve sinned already – I’ve already fallen so why not?

If that’s not the work of the enemy then I don’t know what is.

And yet I sit here. Still trying to push myself out of the funk. Still trying to get back to my routine before the darkness – but I stay stuck.

I know that eventually I’ll get out, but this is not where I wanted to be at the end of Lent.

I may not be where I wanted to be, but I’m probably right where God wants me to be. It is through His grace that I have still been able to reach out through this blog (which typically would’ve dried out as I was drying out). It is through His grace that I have met my Catholic Sorority sisters on Twitter – who’ve kept me above the water even though they didn’t even know it. It is though is grace that I’ll continue to climb out of this pit and further into the light.

One thing I know for sure…there is still nothing in this world that I want more than to spend my life devoted to God. I want to be like this sister – 100% in love and in awe.

I started crying when I saw her kneeling there. She was praying the Stations

I believe I will get there – when the time is right.

So I visited some Sisters… #Catholic

I have some impatient people who read my blog! I’ve gotten numerous private messages asking me to hurry up and post my visit to the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia! Even though I’m just now getting a chance to write it…at 1:15am…good thing I don’t have to work tomorrow.

So I visited some Sisters this weekend.

It was good.

The end.

OKAY…geeze! Stop freaking out on me!

So I get down there on Friday and I was one of the first ones there. I’m not one to strike up a conversation with just anyone so I had a really hard time just jumping in the middle of others’ groups. It seemed as though most everyone there had at least one other person there that they knew.

The Sisters were great and really fun! They made everyone feel welcomed and important. If they saw someone standing off by themselves, they made an effort to come over and strike up a conversation. We went in the chapel for evening prayers and it was such a beautiful site to see all the sisters together – praying together and chanting the office. Their voices were so angelic and all I kept thinking was – I WANT THIS. I even texted a few people that message on Saturday. I was in such awe and felt like this is exactly where I needed to be.

God had another plan though.

Shortly after I sent out that message to people, I got the opportunity to have a meeting with Sister Mary Emily, the vocation director. I told her a little about myself and how I was interested in the community – how I was just blown away by the beauty and reverence that the sisters showed. She went on to ask me various questions: about my family, my job(s) (I included youth ministry as a job since most everyone there had a teaching background or youth ministry background), and about my schooling. It seems as though everyone was focused on one another’s schooling – who goes to school where and whether it was a Catholic school or not. I informed Sister Mary Emily of my past schooling – a year and a half at a state school and then many years later at the trade school.

She then informed me that she didn’t think I was going to be a good match for the community since studying is such a big part of their lives. Just based on my schooling information.

Of course I thought that was very unfair of her to judge me like that…and was kinda hurt. Just kinda…cause another part of me wasn’t. It was definitely a God moment.

I went to get in line for confession after that. I sat there for a half hour trying to sort out what just happened – and where I go from here. The line for confession wasn’t moving. And I had about 10 people in line before me with 40 minutes left before our next thing. (I was really bummed that I didn’t get to go – but will find a way to go this week). I decided to go sit outside where it was 75 degrees to just sit and think. I love sitting outside and having conversations with God…except that’s not what happened. Instead I started texting Lauren telling her about what was going on. I wasn’t really feeling defeated, but I was kinda bummed that I was “rejected”.

Our next thing was evening prayers. I went in and immediately the blinders were taken off – all the things that I was too blind to see before, suddenly came to light and I found a bunch of things I didn’t like about the order. Later on during adoration, I couldn’t concentrate. I was very all over the place and fuzzy. No matter how many times I tried to concentrate and focus, I wasn’t able to. I was later told that sometimes that is a sign as well, that I’m not where I’m supposed to be.

So what’s next?

A couple of things I have already decided:

1. I’m looking at a place closer to home – within driving distance. I can’t afford to keep flying all over the place – I couldn’t even afford to fly down this time!
2. I already have my next place in mind – except I am not going to announce it here yet. That will come in due time.

So that’s it. Any questions?

He always knows what He’s doing

Two weekends from now I’ll be in Nashville visiting the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia for a weekend. This would be the time where typically I’d start freaking out…worrying about what to pack, what will happen when I get down there and a whole bunch of other things.

God is clever though…He always knows how to take care of me.

March 11-13th is the weekend I’m going down to Tennessee.

March 4-5th…the weekend before…I have the biggest youth group event of the year going on. And my co-youth minister is out of town for three weeks and won’t be there to assist me. I’m going in solo (with the help of other people of course…I’m just the one in charge).

How convenient that all this is falling into place at the same time. It gives me no time to ponder or worry about my upcoming trip (with the exception of the week of).

God knows what He’s doing.

The process

I hope you all had a Blessed Christmas!

I was talking with a friend of mine via facebook last night and she was asking how the discernment was going. She suggested that I write a “how-to-become-a-sister” post. Now I’m not an expert by any means, and I’m definitely still learning along the way, but here is the process as I see it thus far.

Inquiry:

• The young woman makes initial contact with the community, either in person or by phone, letter, e-mail, or the website.  done
• The candidate speaks with the Vocation Director. done
• In order to see the life, she visits the community or attends a retreat at the Motherhouse. completing in March/May
• While at the Motherhouse, she may have an interview with the Director of Novices and the Prioress General.
• The candidate may request an application. This application process entails completing an information form; sending school transcripts, medical forms, Baptismal & Confirmation certificates; acquiring a letter of recommendation from a priest; writing a personal statement of one’s motive for entering religious life; and completing a psychological evaluation.
• Status regarding acceptance is communicated.

Pre-Postulancy

• During this time period, the pre-postulant has contact with the Vocation Director and uses the time before entrance for spiritual and material preparations.
• The pre-postulant is encouraged to strengthen her resolve and to have an awareness of the spousal dimension of religious life. In this context, she is making a choice beyond life and career. It is a response made in love.
• She is encouraged to frequent the sacraments, to read Scripture daily, to have a program for her spiritual life and to read works about Dominican spirituality.

Postulancy

• After a simple entrance ceremony, the postulant begins a year of immersion into the life of her new religious family. She attends all community prayers and practices the monastic customs that are a part of our life.
• The postulant receives the guidance of the Director of Novices and her assistant, who guide her to grow in virtue and self-knowledge.
• She learns of the joys and demands of community life.
• During this year she becomes acquainted with the basics of Dominican spirituality and history, along with the charism of our Congregation.
• The postulant attends classes at Aquinas College where she studies philosophy and secular subjects. Her afternoons also include a period of physical exercise, a house duty, and spiritual reading.
• Her classes at the Motherhouse include the study of Sacred Scripture, the spiritual life, basic Catholic doctrine, and Church history.

Canonical Novitiate

• At the end of the postulant year, the sister receives the Dominican habit with a white veil and a new religious name. As a novice, she enters into a period of theological, philosophical, ascetical and spiritual formation.
• She is guided to see the essential link between study, prayer and preaching.
• The novice has an additional meditation period before the Blessed Sacrament each day. She also has additional time for silence, instruction, and study, thereby seeking to deepen her prayer life. Her appreciation for devotion to the Eucharist is fostered in many ways, including her daily participation in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass and the Liturgy of the Hours, and time for personal prayer.
• She studies spiritual theology, patristics, Scripture and the theology of the vows.
• Devotion to Mary is fostered, as well as a strong fidelity to the teachings of the Church. She studies the Catechism of the Catholic Church and Church documents, especially those related to religious life.
• The goal of the canonical novitiate is observable growth in love of God and neighbor, self-knowledge, and understanding of the commitment which the novice will choose to make.
• At the end of this year, the sister makes the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience for three years.

Years of Initial Profession

• After making her First Profession the sister exchanges her white veil for a black one, symbolic of conversion, penance, and consecration to God.
• The two years after her canonical novitiate are spent within the novitiate community, with where she receives continued formation on the actual living out of the vows.
• The sisters continue their formation in the theology of consecration, of mission, and of the ecclesial dimension of religious life.
• Continued growth in personal conversion and prayer, charity, love of God and neighbor, and devotion to St. Cecilia and the Dominican saints is emphasized during this time.
• The sister finishes her college coursework and obtains certification as a teacher. If she enters with certification, she may begin her work in the apostolate.
• During the summer months, the sisters in the novitiate take classes in theology and philosophy on a four-year cycle. The coursework is systematic and foundational, with an emphasis on the works of St. Thomas Aquinas.
• After her four years in the novitiate, she enters the larger community and seeks to solidify the foundation she has gained.
• She may experience mission life with seasoned sisters of the Congregation during this time.
• At the end of her first three years in vows, the sister renews her vows for two additional years.

Perpetual Profession and Ongoing Formation

• After five years in vows, the sister makes her profession of perpetual vows. The year prior to this step is one of more intensive preparation.
• The words “for all my life” in the profession formula take on a profound significance as the sister promises to live in poverty, chastity and obedience, according to the Rule of St. Augustine and the Constitutions of the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia, until death.
• “The gift of faithful perseverance in religious consecration is a grace given by God which each sister must seek to cultivate. Religious formation then does not end with the sister’s perpetual profession of vows. It is a pursuit that never ends.” (Constitutions of the Congregation)
• The sister participates in a program of ongoing formation which supports her formation after profession of perpetual vows.  She begins ongoing formation studies upon leaving the novitiate and continues through her tenth year of final vows.
• Being joined to the Church in an intimate way, the sister makes its teachings the frequent subject of her reading, study, and meditation.
• During this time period, the sisters seek, as a community and as individuals, to deepen their faithful and obedient love for the Church.
• Through her work in the apostolate and her continued professional and personal studies, the sister contributes to the building up of the Church and the mission and charism of the community. Source

I obviously yanked that from the site. I was going to write out just the Inquiry steps, but then realized that I needed the reference from the website…and then I got the idea to just copy/paste it here. :p

Any questions?