I will stand firm in HIM and HIM alone!

I don't own the rights

I don’t know how to start this entry coming from my last entry!

I just know that I’m not in that same place as I was on Monday – THANK GOD!

I’m going to try to make sense of things that have been going on – you may still be a little lost at the end, but I think it’s important for me to explain.

For about a month and a half now I have been in a place of darkness – under attack. I know it was an attack because of the things that were going through my head – and the voices that were coinciding with it. It was an overall dark time and it was not good! I posted a  few times on twitter and on here how I was in such a dark place and I needed prayers. I legit was suck in this rut that I couldn’t shake and if it wasn’t for the prayers of you all, I very well might still be stuck there. Thank you…from the bottom of my heart.

Saturday I wrote a post that stated I felt as though I was coming out of my rut – and I was really excited! I felt the passion to write coming back – the passion to spend time with my Lord and lover – the passion in general. It was great!

Sunday I slid. I went to mass, but while I was there I felt the darkness consume me. It took everything within me not to break down right there during mass. It was painful – literally. Father made a comment in his homily, which he’s mentioned numerous times before, that if you don’t have Jesus in your heart/life then how can you share Him with others? That comment became so twisted in my head and before I knew it I was blaming myself for everything going wrong in the world – another attack from satan.

Mind you, I hadn’t really talked to anyone about this issue. I’ve been battling it on my own. Whatever was going on inside my head was pretty much staying there – you were really the only ones who saw glimpses of it. It was so bad that I kept being told “you can’t talk to anyone about this – no one wants to hear your whining  – you’re always bringing everyone else down”. I’m talking major attackage here!

After I left mass on Sunday, my life presumed and I was bouncing back to my passion. I went to bed. I woke up. And it was like all hell broke loose. Satan was trying one more time to shake me from God’s hand. I kept praying to God to help me – to save me from his grasp.

Monday I was involved in some online drama. Some pretty mean things were said – and I felt as though I really and honestly failed at everything. Fail is such a harsh word, but it is a word I associate with well. Growing up I always felt as though I was failing, so to be told that I was failing (those weren’t the words used – just the general jist of it) sent my brain into overdrive.  I panicked. I felt for certain that everyone saw me the same way as I was being told I was. Hollie and Lauren tried their best to assure me that it wasn’t true – but I wasn’t hearing any of it – I was convinced that I was worthless and a failure.

Guess now is the time to thank you all for your wonderful comments, prayers and support during that time – even if I did sometimes roll my eyes and think “they don’t know me – I really AM as bad as I’ve been told”!

Monday afternoon I was subbing CCD for a third grade class. All the way there I kept thinking “how am I going to bring these kids to know Christ when I’m so far removed from Him right now?” I managed to successfully teach the class (about Mary!) and then went to sit in front of the tabernacle in the church. My church has a 24/7 perpetual Eucharistic adoration chapel, but I wasn’t ready to “face” Jesus – I was condemning myself from Him. In front of the tabernacle I sat there – and cried. I couldn’t do anything else – couldn’t speak – couldn’t really pray. Then I stopped myself for fear of someone walking into the church and just sat there – and felt so sad. I felt as though I was defeated. I tried to reach out to a couple of my friends but they were busy. I sat a bit more, then left – not really feeling any better than I did when I had first arrived.

I got home, started making dinner and then my saving grace came – I received a phone call from my one real life friend who reads my blog regularly. And we talked. And talked. And talked. And it actually was a good conversation – I was able to sort things out. She pointed things out to me that I really already knew – but wasn’t hearing. I am NOT worthless. I am NOT a failure. I AM valuable to her and to many others in my community. She reassured me that I’m not a burden onto anyone and that a relationship is a two way street. It was exactly what I needed – God put her there to reach out to me. What a blessing.

Phone conversations continued – I spoke with two more of my closest friends that night. By the end of the night I was flying high! I knew without a doubt that what I was experiencing was not of God. I knew that He didn’t want me to be beating myself up (something I struggle with daily) nor did He want me to be hurting. My heart started filling and I started soaring! Even though the drama continued, I didn’t let it bother me. I am worth so much more than the way I was being treated and I needed to stand firm in HIM and no one else.  It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me – really – because all that matters is Him and how much He loves me. He will always love me, and you, no matter what we do. It’s amazing – what a blessing!

I don’t know where tomorrow will lead me but I know that no matter what I go through, I will never be alone. I can’t let myself get to the point where I feel I can’t pray because “He doesn’t love me” – what a line of bull! I can’t believe I fell into that trap – but I know that there were lessons learned from this experience.

Thank you again for praying, for loving me, and for being compassionate. I am blessed.

“And their eyes were opened”

And their eyes were opened…(Luke 24)

In the scripture for today Jesus came back to visit his disciples. The disciples were dismayed and in utter disbelief that it was really Him until Jesus “he took bread, said the blessing, broke it, and gave it to them“. Luke 24:30

It was in that moment that the disciples realized that Jesus had risen and had really come back from the dead.

Often times I find myself searching for Jesus, as if He is missing. The tie between the two of us gets severed when I sin and do things that do not please God. He never leaves me, but I get lost in the sea of temptation and evil. In an attempt to get back to Him, I often times feel myself drowning with no hope in sight.

I’ve been feeling very disconnected from God lately. All through fault of my own. I feel as though I’ve almost been avoiding Him. I know that He is calling out to me and I know that He wants me. I know that my major problem is that I need to go to confession – which I will be going to next Thursday. In th emean time though, I feel as though I’m walking around blindly in the dark.

Lord, help me to open my eyes so that I can see You in my daily life. Help me to open my heart to feel your love. Help me to know that you are near. 

He is near

Image via CrunchBase

Last night I tweeted the following: when life feels like it’s spiraling out of control, it’s usually because God is doing some mighty work within you.

It’s easy for me to say while my life is moving along even keel at the moment and the spiraling is going on all around me instead of taking me along with it. Over the past couple of days, life has been crazy. Things have been happening within my youth group that have needed immediate attention and action. One could even sit back and say “what have we done wrong? why is this happening to us?” Surprisingly though, I’m not saying any of that. Even though the situation isn’t favorable and there is much needed cleanup work to be done, I can see God working through the entire situation.

Working with teenagers can prove to be hard at times. Teenagers are a difficult group to reach; you either reach them, or they shun you and try to make life difficult for themselves and the one who is trying to reach them with the truth. It takes a special person to be able to work with teenagers…to be able to understand, relate, and teach them at an age when so much of their life is driven by emotions and by what others think of them.

Working with teenagers, is also the biggest blessing I could ever ask for. God has used them in so many ways to teach me lessons. Even through all the drama, tears and frustration, God never ceases to have a lesson awaiting on the other side; whether it be for me or for one of the teens. Lately, He has been working on me a lot though.

It’s no secret that I’m addicted to facebook. I’m always on it and if I can’t be on the computer and really need to check it, I have the ability to do so on my phone. I kept telling myself that I needed to be “always available” to the teens in order to effectively minister to them. Because of my facebook presence, I do hear/read/see a lot of stuff that I wouldn’t necessarily know about without it…which is a blessing and a curse all in one. It’s also why I can’t give up texting as it’s their form of communication.

God though, has started to show me the damage that facebook can hold. The amount of information that people put out on there creates a breeding ground for gossip. I know I’m guilty of falling into the trap of “did you see what was posted on fb?” It wasn’t until this week that I started to realize the detriment that it causes to relationships…and it’s starting to leave a sour taste in my  mouth. Had you told me a week ago that I’d feel this way, I wouldn’t have believed you. God has certainly stirred my heart.

God is always near. Even in the midst of chaos. Even if you don’t feel Him around you. Even when you feel disconnected and lost. He is near. And through every valley and plain, He reaches out to you – to guide you, to teach you and most importantly – to love you.

 

In a funk

As anyone besides Elizabeth noticed my lack of posts lately?

I’m not quite sure what’s going on. I know that I took a couple of steps back last week or so when someone reached out to me and told me they could no longer read my blog for very understandable reasons. While it didn’t upset me, I think it just put me in more of a funk than I had already been.

I also have nothing to write about. Spiritually I feel as though I don’t have anything to offer anyone. I’m tapped out. I barely have enough to pull things together for my youth group and whatever I do find is all by the grace of God. I’m really struggling with discipline in a lot of different areas.

I feel defeated.

And part of this is part of the journey. I’m about to embark on a drastic life style change. A change to bring me closer to Christ. And I’m fairly certain that there is someone who is not too pleased with that. I’m expecting to experience dry spells…darkness…disconnectedness. I’m also expecting to bounce back from it too and so far that hasn’t been happening.

I’m not sure if you noticed or not, but the word of the year that I chose for myself is discipline (it’s listed on the side of every entry along with my saint of the year). It’s not going very well. And while I could sit here and berate myself, the point is moot. I know that I am human, and I am going to fail. The best thing about God is His loving embrace and unconditional forgiveness of sins. I know I’m not perfect, but I am His creation.

The easy way out would be to continue to “hide”. There is no hiding from God. God is everywhere. And while I may not feel as though I’m connected to Him as well as I’d like to be, I know that He is connected to me and will never leave my side. I cling to that comfort…especially while things in my world around me seem to be in a constant state of change as I’m being prepared for this next journey of my life.

One month and two days before I go down to Nashville and visit with the sisters. I don’t know if I’m more excited about visiting them to visit with them, or going down there for a retreat where I’m not in charge of kids…and where I get to receive and give and just be there with God…in a retreat themed “Knowing God’s Love”.

Even if I’m not called to join that order, I know that I’m going to be at that retreat for a reason. That much I can say with utmost certainty.

Nothing changes

I’m such a terrible Christian.

Granted, I know of people who profess to be Christians and act much worse than I, but I feel as though I’m always falling short. I say I’m going to spend more time in the word and with God, but then it doesn’t happen. I say I’m going to stop doing that terrible sin that I keep committing over and over again, but I keep giving into the desires of my flesh.

I’m a wretched sinner.

And I’ve lost my zeal…my zest and passion that I’ve once had for Christ. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still in love with Him, but I feel as though I’ve hit a plateau…full of lack of motivation and drive and desire to spend more time with Him.

Part of me in the back of my head says “I’ll be living a life serving and praying on a much deeper level for the rest of my life…don’t I get to the chance to just enjoy life now as it is?”…such the wrong attitude to have.

I know that God wants those who are most wretched. Those who are most wretched can glorify Him in a more greater capacity than those who are close to perfect. It boggles my mind though, why He’d chose me.

Then again, I guess He chose me even before I was born…

Toddler on a leash

I’ve come to the realization that I’m but a toddler. A toddler in my walk with Christ. And He has me on one of those toddler leashes…the ones where people stare and gawk because “how could those parents possibly put their child on a leash?” while secretly inside they are wishing they had that same contraption when they had toddlers of their own. So yes, I’m a toddler on a leash.

Now typically that leash is connected at all times when out in the world. No matter how strong or smart the toddler thinks they are, they can’t get out of it. It really is for their own safety, despite their attempts at escape.

Well, call me houdini because I’ve escaped from the grasp of my Father. And I see Him standing there, holding the leash, calling out for me. I can see Him, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t get to Him. There are things in the way…things keeping me from getting back to safety. A toddler in such a predicament is typically frightened…crying…calling out to be rescued.

God doesn’t just come in and swoop you up like that though. You have to work at getting back to Him…because it isn’t He who has left, it is you. It is you who let go of that leash. You who feel disconnected and alone.

That’s how I’m feeling now…disconnected. Strangely though…for the first time ever, I’m not feeling alone. I know He is right by my side. I know that He loves me and is here with me. Yet my connection to Him is missing. And one thing I’ve noticed is that when I’m feeling a sense of disconnect with Him, I feel it with everyone else too. I’m sure that’s no coincidence.

During this period of disconnectedness, I know that I am going through a process of growth and change. I know I need to surround myself with prayer so I can continue to grow closer to Him.

Now I just have to do it…