Discipline

Remember back in the beginning of the year when people were picking words of things to incorporate more of in their lives?

Okay, maybe you don’t.

But looking at my blog today I was reminded of my word: discipline.

I’ve been struggling with discipline for years – being able to discipline myself to properly pray, to pray more, to focus, to not be distracted – and that’s just in my prayer life!

I’ve come to realize something though: God has created us all and He knows and loves us just as we are. That doesn’t mean there isn’t room for improvement but I know that He isn’t looking down on me saying/thinking “That Tina, I just don’t know what I’m going to do with her – she can’t keep her focus when praying! She must not love me enough”

The fact that He knows us best – because He was the one to created us – is extremely comforting. I know that it’s okay when I don’t measure up to other peoples definition of “holiness”. It’s okay at the end of the day if I’ve failed to read scripture for any certain length of time. It’s okay when I fail myself and the goals I set before me. In the end, I know that God loves me anyway. I know He realizes my struggles and is right by my side cheering me on and gently guiding me back to where I need to be.

During my first meeting with my spiritual director we talked about distractions and how I’m so very easily distracted when trying to pray silently. We prayed at the end of the meeting and my spiritual director prayed for the removal of distraction.

The past two times I’ve been to adoration to pray one on one in His presence, I have been completely focused and 100% at peace. He gave me the grace (and maybe it was just those few times) to be able to be with Him and only Him – not wandering elsewhere in my mind.

What a gift!

Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door will be opened.

You never know what gift He has waiting for you. You just have to be there to open it when He calls you.

Sometimes you need a little discipline – a little “kicking yourself in the butt” – to get to your end results. I may not be the most holy person in the world and I certainly don’t pray as much as I should, but I know that He has been working on me with discipline.

I can now say that I pray the rosary on the way to work in the mornings to meditate on His love and life.

When you least expect it, things will change. Just be open to it.

It’s been a long time coming…

I’ve heard that phrase a lot this week – “it’s been a long time coming”.

Things at work have changed. Security has been tightened. I can’t log into my blog from work. Since I do most of my blogging from work, that’s a huge impact on the future of this blog. I’ve been told though, that “it’s [these changes have] been a long time coming”

This blog post, is being written while I’m at work.

Are you confused yet?

I know how to cheat the system. I’ve gone around the security settings at work to be able to post this. And I feel as though I’m breaking rules. [probably because I am] And I’m super paranoid about someone discovering my “secret”. [which isn't so much of a secret since most of us know how to get around it] In an instance such as this I’m torn – between doing the “right” thing, and keeping my sanity. I work at a help desk that relies on phone calls and emails to do any work. If the calls and emails are not coming in, then I have to keep myself occupied. I need mental stimulation – especially since I’m here for 10 hour days.

I don’t know what the right answer is. I’m taking a chance on cheating the system. And what would Jesus have me do? It’s all a bit overwhelming to figure out as there are so many different variables.

I’ve been absent lately. And it’s not because I couldn’t access the log in page for the blog. I just have not had anything to write about. Sure there have been many situations where God has shown Himself to me. I just haven’t been able to formulate a meaningful post. Mostly because I haven’t been spending any meaningful time with Him. I used to stay fully connected with youth group – having to share lessons and such – but now that I’m no longer the youth minister a big chunk of my spiritual life was taken away. I have to compensate for that loss now. I have to find new ways to fill myself up.

I just haven’t done it yet.

I fell away from my novena when I got sick – and keep meaning to pick it back up but haven’t. I also want to read scripture. I have the desire to do so, but once I get home all is forgotten as home life/chores are screaming for their attention.

Guess I’m still working on that discipline – 7 months into the year and I still haven’t “perfected” my word of the year.

In a funk

As anyone besides Elizabeth noticed my lack of posts lately?

I’m not quite sure what’s going on. I know that I took a couple of steps back last week or so when someone reached out to me and told me they could no longer read my blog for very understandable reasons. While it didn’t upset me, I think it just put me in more of a funk than I had already been.

I also have nothing to write about. Spiritually I feel as though I don’t have anything to offer anyone. I’m tapped out. I barely have enough to pull things together for my youth group and whatever I do find is all by the grace of God. I’m really struggling with discipline in a lot of different areas.

I feel defeated.

And part of this is part of the journey. I’m about to embark on a drastic life style change. A change to bring me closer to Christ. And I’m fairly certain that there is someone who is not too pleased with that. I’m expecting to experience dry spells…darkness…disconnectedness. I’m also expecting to bounce back from it too and so far that hasn’t been happening.

I’m not sure if you noticed or not, but the word of the year that I chose for myself is discipline (it’s listed on the side of every entry along with my saint of the year). It’s not going very well. And while I could sit here and berate myself, the point is moot. I know that I am human, and I am going to fail. The best thing about God is His loving embrace and unconditional forgiveness of sins. I know I’m not perfect, but I am His creation.

The easy way out would be to continue to “hide”. There is no hiding from God. God is everywhere. And while I may not feel as though I’m connected to Him as well as I’d like to be, I know that He is connected to me and will never leave my side. I cling to that comfort…especially while things in my world around me seem to be in a constant state of change as I’m being prepared for this next journey of my life.

One month and two days before I go down to Nashville and visit with the sisters. I don’t know if I’m more excited about visiting them to visit with them, or going down there for a retreat where I’m not in charge of kids…and where I get to receive and give and just be there with God…in a retreat themed “Knowing God’s Love”.

Even if I’m not called to join that order, I know that I’m going to be at that retreat for a reason. That much I can say with utmost certainty.

Perseverance and discipline

I need to admit something: I am human…just in case you might’ve thought I was a robot or something.

With this new found revelation on your part, I can now admit that I sometimes fail.

Yes. It’s true. I am not perfect. I have struggles like every other human I know. You see, this world is a not so happy place. There are constant distractions that are being thrown your way. Many times if you give into these distractions, they can pull you away from God…if you let them.

I find my biggest obstacle right now, is the internet. It’s a serious problem. The first thing I do in the morning, is turn on my computer and go on facebook. The last thing I do at night is shut down my computer after spending all evening on facebook. I’m even beating the system here at work, and accessing facebook through my computer at home…which is acting as a server.

I’m addicted.

And because of my incessant need to always be connected, I’m missing the most important connection of all…the connection between me and God.

How can I be ready to become a nun if I’m not spending time with Him? How can I devote my life to someone who I’m not taking the time to fall in love with?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Him…with all my heart, but it’s one thing to love someone and another thing to be in love with someone. When you’re in love with someone, you want to spend every waking moment with that person.

This is where I fail.

Granted, not all my time in life is spent on facebook. I do connect with Him in other ways; such as this blog, or reading the bible (not on an every day basis…I seem to have forgotten to do so this week), and reading other Catholic/Christian blogs. It’s my way of connecting with Him, but it’s not spending time with Him.

I lack perseverance. And discipline. And when I do pray (which isn’t often enough) I usually forget to pray for both of them…seems other things are more important and pressing that need more urgent attention.

I think we all struggle with this, if we really take a look at our relationship with Him. Maybe it’s because we take Him for granted…knowing that He will always be there awaiting us with open arms?

What kinds of things do you do to keep disciplined? How do you keep persevering?