Dear God

I need to level with you: I’m becoming anxious.

You know my heart and how easily I get nervous about upcoming events – especially when they are in new territory. Next week I will be packing my final things for Nashville. This is big. This is huge. I feel as though I’m in over my head. At the same time though, I am very excited to be able to meet with others who share a similar calling; to meet You in that very sacred and holy place. I know that you have your hand in all that shapes my life and I see it daily. I am blessed to have such a loving Father as You.

Help me to subdue any negative thoughts or feelings I am experiencing during this time – for I know they are not of You. Let my focus be on You and not get deterred – moreso during this fast approaching time of Lent. I want to be obedient and to do Your will – whatever that may be. Help me to see Your will for me for I’m afraid of not hearing it.

Thank you for all that You are, all that You’ve always been, and all that You will be.

Dear God

It’s me again.

I haven’t spoken with you in a while…at least not a real conversation.

Sure I’ve asked for you help with things, or I prayed for others, but I haven’t sat down…you and me in a while. I need to start doing that again.

Sometimes I think you’ve picked the wrong girl. How can I be one of your chosen few to have a vocation to the religious life? I’m defiled. A sinner. Unworthy. I know I say that over and over, but it’s so true. Surely you’d want someone who is more prayerful. More disciplined. More obedient. More…put together. Certainly you’ve made a mistake?

A mistake…that’s right, you don’t make any mistakes. You’ve had this planned all along. You knew, even before I was born what my life would entail. I really have to work on this surrendering and trust thing. After all, you know whats best for me, better than I do.

God, I don’t thank you enough. Most times I complain about this or that, but really, I am blessed. I could be so much worse off than I am and often times I take for granted all that I do have and all that I’ve been through. I know that everything happens for a reason…and everything is a part of your master plan – including the not so good that we do to ourselves. You  may not have orchestrated the bad decisions and such that we go through, but you certainly know the outcome and use the right people to get us through.

Sigh.

I want to spend more time with you. More time in your word. More time in adoration. I just want more of you. I need to stop ignoring you. I know you are stirring inside my soul and I’ve been “ignoring” you.

It’s probably not a good thing to ignore God.

I will say that I will vow to spend more time in prayer, in scripture, in adoration…but you know how I’ve said that in the past and have failed. Help me to keep focused on you, and not on the world. Discipline. I really need some.

I love you. I thank you. I stand in awe of you…always. You are so much bigger than little old me, and I’m humbled that you have me written in the palm of your hand.

Dear God

You’re doing a mighty work in me. I can see the various people you put in my path; the situations that are surfacing…and I know that it’s all part of your plan. The ups and downs will help me to grow closer to you and fall more in love with you.

It’s so human to lose focus…to doubt and to fall. Up until last night, I thought I was doing a decent job of putting everything into your hands and trusting you completely. You tested me…and I failed. I fell from the safe comfort of your arms into a place of confusion, doubt and denial. I lost sight of you and your promise. Thankfully though, you didn’t let it last long and sent along people to open my eyes and to refocus myself to you.

I know you don’t expect me to be perfect, but I feel as though I fail miserably. My trust should have solely lied within you, and I should not have allowed myself to be deterred. I hope you can forgive me for offending you.

I know that this fire; this passion that you are building inside of me is to glorify you…and how blessed am I to be the vessel in which you’ve chosen to do so! I see myself growing further and further in love with you daily, and I am in awe at how far you’ve brought me in such a short time…my mind cannot fathom just how much more work you will do in me.

I love you, my God. Keep close to me and help me to see your work in my life.

Dear God

I long to be with you.

The more I spend time in the ways of this world, the more I long to be with you.

I know I’m not meant to be here. I know that I’m meant to spend all my days with you.

Help me to be patient. Help me to persevere.  Help me to spend time with you. Help me to be as whole as possible. Help me to love, even when I find it oh so hard to.

Be with me Lord. I need you by my side. I want you by my side.

I am nothing without you.

Dear God

I’m struggling today.

I feel as though everything I do is wrong, everything I say is wrong, and all my friends and family is better off without me. I feel alone.

That’s how I feel.

But I know better.

I know that in You, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) I know that You too, were scorned and ridiculed. (Matthew 23:13-33) I know that You are with me always, even through the darkness. (Psalm 23)

Help me to mediate on You, and not of the evil words of the world…

Dear God

“But before all these things, they will lay their hands on you and will persecute you, delivering you to the synagogues and prisons, bringing you before kings and governors for My name’s sake.  Luke 21:12

“Then they will deliver you to tribulation, and will kill you, and you will be hated by all nations because of My name.  Matthew 24:9

The enemy is attacking me. I feel weighed down by the heaviness. The force of the attack was sudden, but one I never wish to experience again. The darkness, the emptiness, the loneliness. Thank you, for your people here on earth who are willing to pray away the evilness that starts to surround me.

Attack on my soul and an attack on my faith. Isn’t it early for this to be happening? If I still have a long way before I enter any order, why are the attacks happening now? I know I need to give up everything for you, but can’t it wait just a little bit longer?

My heart is heavy Lord. Fill me with you.

Dear God

Lord, I’m in need of patience.

Not just every-day-life kinda patience (which I definitely need some of as well), but patience in waiting for your will to be done. I know that everything happens in  YOUR time…but our times are so much different and quite frankly, I’m kinda tired of waiting.

I know, that sounds odd coming from me…the person who for 6 years was in denial that I ever heard your voice calling me into a consecrated life with You. And I know that really, I’ve only been “waiting” since April…5 months. You’ve been waiting for so much longer, and really, I should have the patience to wait on You for a change.

But I’m having a hard time doing so. I’m so full of anticipation and excitement. I’m so full of love and longing to be with You and spend more time with You that I just want to be “there” already…where ever “there” may be. I’ve never been one to wait very patiently.

I know that my work here is not done. And I know that You still have a lot of work to do within me. And while I may *know* this, it doesn’t help me be any more patient.

Lord, help me to be patient. During my moments of impatience, guide me to spend more time with You. Fill me with Your love, Lord, and help me to know my true calling. Amen

Dear God

Dear God,

I cannot comprehend why you want a sinner such as myself? I know that I should not question you, or your desires, but I am but a filthy rag compared to you, yet you desire for me to be your bride.

I find myself so many times, looking at my grandmother. Her health is failing, she’s been told to stop smoking,  yet she continues to do so. She willingly smokes and slowly kills herself more and more. I get disgusted by it and often times very angry.

But how can I? Am I not doing the same to myself? I may not be killing myself physically, but spiritually I am slowly dying. The more I sin, the further away from you I become. Yet that doesn’t matter to you. You continue to create in me, a desire to learn more…a longing to be with you…a heart for you only.

Lord, I am so unworthy. Mold me into whatever you wish me to be. Help me to be more like you…