JOY!!

What a crazy awesome day it was yesterday!

The day started like any other Wednesday: I worked and then drove to church to wait for choir practice to start. I get out of work at 4:30 and usually arrive at the church a little after 5. Choir practice starts at 7. I typically spend the two hours reading or having some Jesus time instead of going home and wasting the gas (I live a half hour away from church).

I had plans of meeting my friend Brenda up at the church – she had something she wanted to give me to bring to a mutual friend of ours (she works as a co-coordinator of religious ed at the church). I called her to let her know I was there, and she didn’t answer. So I decided to go into the church to sit with Jesus for a bit. And that’s where the fun begins!

I opened the door to the church and right there on the floor is a bouquet of fake roses – just chilling there. I thought it was very odd and I actually remember looking all around me wondering if they belonged to anyone. I picked them up and thought to myself “is this supposed to be some sort of sign?” I remember thinking about St. Therese wondering why she’d leave me roses when I haven’t even prayed to her. Then I chalked it up to maybe it was a sign from Mary – but what?

I brought the flowers in and put them by Mary and then went to sit with Jesus.

Then Brenda called me and I went into the office with her. Now, I have been in this office NUMEROUS times. One of our priests recently got a computer. He never had a computer before and really doesn’t know how to use it. Brenda was going back and forth trying to help him and trying to do some work herself. One of the times Father called her into his office, I sat there staring at the bookshelf. The same bookshelf I’ve looked at numerous times. There on that bookshelf was a boxed collection titled “Salesian’s Collections”.

I had to do a double take. Did that really say Salesians? Salesians as in the order I’m highly interested in?

At this point I was just – awed. Were the roses and this boxed collection signs from God? Is He trying to tell me that I’m heading in the right direction? It’s all strangely coincedental.

The excitement ends. No more signs occur. I go to choir and I’m…happy. At one point I was laughing so hard I was crying. It was such a great feeling to feel so full of happy – and joy.

I interrupt this story for a bit of background information.

Background info 1: I have been fasting from electronics on Wednesday and Friday nights – so that I spend time focusing on God more.

Background info 2: The blackberry servers were having all kinds of issues the past few days with email not filtering through and text/internet being sporadic. It didn’t start affecting me until yesterday

/end background info

I got home and was so tired and annoyed with my blackberry, so I switched back to my htc hero. In order to do that I had to get the phone number from online. I powered up the computer and opened up the internet (which for some reasons gave me problems the first time). When I opened the internet I noticed that I had two emails in my inbox (I have google chrome for a browser and I have a gmail extension on there so that it automatically tells me when an email is present without actually going to my inbox).

Now I’m not one that can just see that I have email and then not look to at least see who it’s from.

So curiosity got the best of me and I looked. And immediately my face lit up – in my inbox was an email from Sr. Colleen (remember, she’s the vocation director with the Salesians)!!!

She happened to be online while I was and we emailed back and forth for a bit. Long story short, we are meeting on October 25th.

To state that I’m excited would be an understatement.

The best part of the entire email coorospondance was: “I have been praying for this email from you!”

I had a hard time sleeping last night – all I felt was pure joy and happiness. I’m really excited.

Oh, and the roses. Well I found its owner. I was talking to my friend Dina who is the other co-coordinator of religious ed and telling her all about the story. The roses are hers. She switches out the flowers at church and stated that her husband must’ve dropped them.

Still…very happy!

Stagnant

I’m a very active person.

And by active I mean that I’m always going (not to be confused by exercise – because that is something that I desperately need to do, but don’t). I always have something planned and something to look forward to. Typically this time of year I’m preparing for a new year of youth group – normally I’d be starting that up this Sunday.

That’s not the case this year.

I don’t have anything in my immediate future that I can set my focus on.

I wrote elsewhere that I feel as though I’m just … done. That I’m done living – because really there isn’t anything going on. I’m not used to not doing something. I’m at a point right now where I’m beyond frustrated with all that stands in the way of my vocation and there isn’t much I can do about it. I’m ready to be with Jesus. Preferably in heaven – though I know that’s not going to happen anytime soon.

I guess I’m kinda frustrated with God in a way. Not because He hasn’t been there for me – I know He definitely has. I have been blessed with such a wonderful group of faithful women in my life – blessed beyond measure. But I lack patience. [Are you sensing a lesson here??] I want everything to happen already. I’m tired of waiting.

I guess I’m not where I need to be yet.

I told a friend of mine that God has stripped everything from my life right now – and I’m not used to this vastness of “nothing to do”. Don’t get me wrong, I still have plenty going on in my life, but nothing that I have to look forward to – retreats are done, there is no youth group to plan – I’m just sitting here feeling stagnant. But I also know that during this time of stagnant-ness, I am called to spend more time with Him.

Which makes sense if I’m going to be His spouse some day – Lord willing.

I know that He will provide – in His time. I know my time here is not done yet and no matter how much I complain about how things aren’t being done in MY timeline, He is still going to work in HIS timeline.

As the saying goes, I just need to suck it up buttercup!

Oh and a friend of mine reminded me of a piece of advice that I give out to others: trust. surrender. believe. receive.

I need to work on that…

Father knows best

For a while now I’ve felt as though I wasn’t doing my part in my relationship with God.

Yeah I’d go to church every Sunday and on holy days. I’d say a quick prayer here and there. I surround myself with Christian music and Catholic images. I strive to live my life according to His will and His commandments. But I wasn’t putting the effort in to keeping our relationship alive. I was just going through the motions and not bothering to spend any extra time with Him.

Here is what I’ve learned: a relationship can’t grow if you don’t spend time with the person you’re trying to establish a relationship with.

Groundbreaking, I know.

This past Friday I was at my teen retreat meeting and one of the adults pulls me off to the side. She wanted to know if I’d be on team for the women’s retreat that is coming up in September. I didn’t really know how to answer – what I wanted to do was just scream YES since it had been so long since I’ve been on a women’s team – but all the doubts and worries came to my mind. How am I going to pay for this? How am I going to be able to swing this at work? I start house sitting the weekend that I’m on retreat – How am I going to swing that? I told her I’d pray about it and let her know.

I did pray about it. Kept asking God what He wanted me to do. Then everything started falling into place. My main concern was money: how was I going to afford this retreat. I called my mother first thing on Saturday morning and started telling her about how I was asked. I made mention about how I wasn’t sure if I could do it because I didn’t really have the money – she told me not to worry about that – that it would be my birthday gift.

Okay. So that was a positive step.

I was also worried about time off of work. Then I realized that I really did have the time, if I didn’t go to the Woman of Faith conference in November – which was no biggie.

Okay. One more worry checked off my list.

My last worry was my cousin. My cousin and his wife are going away for their 25th wedding anniversary. For two weeks they are going to Hawaii and leaving me behind with their three kids and dog: 17, 15 and 6. They leave on the 10th of September – while this retreat was happening. So I texted my cousin to find out if the kids could spend the night Saturday night somewhere. Her response “NO PROBLEM! You don’t even have to be here on weekends if you don’t want to”

Well then. Guess I have nothing stopping me.

So I accepted the slot. The team meetings started last night. And let me just say – I felt so much peace and joy.

Before the  meeting started I spent some time in adoration just asking God to be with me. Chanting His name over and over. I then moved into the meeting and people started arriving. We really didn’t know who was going to be on team, but the surprise and the love that was shown when various people walked through the door was amazing. I felt like I was “home”.

The night progressed. Things were shared. Laughs were had as well as a few tears shed. At the end of the night we prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet in front of the tabernacle. It was then that I was transported elsewhere. While we were praying, all I kept thinking about were the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia and my visit with them. I could see them all kneeling and praying. I could hear their voices all raising up together as one. It was such a cool experience and I knew at that moment that God had me there not only to serve others, but to solidify my calling.

Father knows whats best for us.

This is going to be an interesting journey. A journey of forgiveness. A journey of letting things go. A journey of love and mercy. A journey of direction and discernment.

I can’t wait!

I will stand firm in HIM and HIM alone!

I don't own the rights

I don’t know how to start this entry coming from my last entry!

I just know that I’m not in that same place as I was on Monday – THANK GOD!

I’m going to try to make sense of things that have been going on – you may still be a little lost at the end, but I think it’s important for me to explain.

For about a month and a half now I have been in a place of darkness – under attack. I know it was an attack because of the things that were going through my head – and the voices that were coinciding with it. It was an overall dark time and it was not good! I posted a  few times on twitter and on here how I was in such a dark place and I needed prayers. I legit was suck in this rut that I couldn’t shake and if it wasn’t for the prayers of you all, I very well might still be stuck there. Thank you…from the bottom of my heart.

Saturday I wrote a post that stated I felt as though I was coming out of my rut – and I was really excited! I felt the passion to write coming back – the passion to spend time with my Lord and lover – the passion in general. It was great!

Sunday I slid. I went to mass, but while I was there I felt the darkness consume me. It took everything within me not to break down right there during mass. It was painful – literally. Father made a comment in his homily, which he’s mentioned numerous times before, that if you don’t have Jesus in your heart/life then how can you share Him with others? That comment became so twisted in my head and before I knew it I was blaming myself for everything going wrong in the world – another attack from satan.

Mind you, I hadn’t really talked to anyone about this issue. I’ve been battling it on my own. Whatever was going on inside my head was pretty much staying there – you were really the only ones who saw glimpses of it. It was so bad that I kept being told “you can’t talk to anyone about this – no one wants to hear your whining  – you’re always bringing everyone else down”. I’m talking major attackage here!

After I left mass on Sunday, my life presumed and I was bouncing back to my passion. I went to bed. I woke up. And it was like all hell broke loose. Satan was trying one more time to shake me from God’s hand. I kept praying to God to help me – to save me from his grasp.

Monday I was involved in some online drama. Some pretty mean things were said – and I felt as though I really and honestly failed at everything. Fail is such a harsh word, but it is a word I associate with well. Growing up I always felt as though I was failing, so to be told that I was failing (those weren’t the words used – just the general jist of it) sent my brain into overdrive.  I panicked. I felt for certain that everyone saw me the same way as I was being told I was. Hollie and Lauren tried their best to assure me that it wasn’t true – but I wasn’t hearing any of it – I was convinced that I was worthless and a failure.

Guess now is the time to thank you all for your wonderful comments, prayers and support during that time – even if I did sometimes roll my eyes and think “they don’t know me – I really AM as bad as I’ve been told”!

Monday afternoon I was subbing CCD for a third grade class. All the way there I kept thinking “how am I going to bring these kids to know Christ when I’m so far removed from Him right now?” I managed to successfully teach the class (about Mary!) and then went to sit in front of the tabernacle in the church. My church has a 24/7 perpetual Eucharistic adoration chapel, but I wasn’t ready to “face” Jesus – I was condemning myself from Him. In front of the tabernacle I sat there – and cried. I couldn’t do anything else – couldn’t speak – couldn’t really pray. Then I stopped myself for fear of someone walking into the church and just sat there – and felt so sad. I felt as though I was defeated. I tried to reach out to a couple of my friends but they were busy. I sat a bit more, then left – not really feeling any better than I did when I had first arrived.

I got home, started making dinner and then my saving grace came – I received a phone call from my one real life friend who reads my blog regularly. And we talked. And talked. And talked. And it actually was a good conversation – I was able to sort things out. She pointed things out to me that I really already knew – but wasn’t hearing. I am NOT worthless. I am NOT a failure. I AM valuable to her and to many others in my community. She reassured me that I’m not a burden onto anyone and that a relationship is a two way street. It was exactly what I needed – God put her there to reach out to me. What a blessing.

Phone conversations continued – I spoke with two more of my closest friends that night. By the end of the night I was flying high! I knew without a doubt that what I was experiencing was not of God. I knew that He didn’t want me to be beating myself up (something I struggle with daily) nor did He want me to be hurting. My heart started filling and I started soaring! Even though the drama continued, I didn’t let it bother me. I am worth so much more than the way I was being treated and I needed to stand firm in HIM and no one else.  It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me – really – because all that matters is Him and how much He loves me. He will always love me, and you, no matter what we do. It’s amazing – what a blessing!

I don’t know where tomorrow will lead me but I know that no matter what I go through, I will never be alone. I can’t let myself get to the point where I feel I can’t pray because “He doesn’t love me” – what a line of bull! I can’t believe I fell into that trap – but I know that there were lessons learned from this experience.

Thank you again for praying, for loving me, and for being compassionate. I am blessed.

Why it’s a big deal

Image via Wikipedia

Today is Friday. It’s a Friday in Lent. Most all my readers know that during Lent, Catholics are to fast from meat on Friday’s.

Occasionally though, there are exceptions to the rule. Canon Law states:

Canon 1251  Abstinence from eating meat or another food according to the prescriptions of the conference of bishops is to be observed on Fridays throughout the year unless they are solemnities; abstinence and fast are to be observed on Ash Wednesday and on the Friday of the Passion and Death of Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Today, I am drinking soda. Something I gave up for Lent. In celebration of the feast of the Annunciation.

What is the Annunciation? It is the celebration of Mary’s yes. The visitation of the angel Gabriel to Mary. It is with Mary’s yes that we have our beloved Jesus. Some may argue that “of course Mary said yes, that was God’s providential plan”. Except we overlook the fact that Mary was human and because of this was given free will – she was no exception to the rule – even Christ had free will in His humanity.

Mary could’ve easily have said “Ha! No WAY God. No way am I going to be responsible for raising the Savior of the world! I am not worthy enough”. Don’t we sometimes have that reaction when God asks us to do something? Come up with excuses as to why we couldn’t possibly do x.y.z.

I’m not holy enough.

I’m not worthy enough.

I’m not smart enough.

Why would you want little old me?

Mary could’ve done that too. Non-Catholics often look at Catholics as people who worship Mary…but that’s hardly the case. We don’t worship her, but we do love her. We respect her. We celebrate her. Because if it wasn’t for her “yes”, the story of salvation would’ve ceased to exist. The life of Jesus as we know it, would not have taken place. We might not even have Jesus. I hardly think that God would’ve gone around begging someone to be the mother of Jesus. The whole salvation story depended upon Mary’s yes…how very grateful we should be towards her!

So today, today because we celebrate Mary’s yes, because we celebrate the Conception of our Savior, it is a day for celebration. No need to hide behind your sinful ways, it’s a day to shout, sing, and celebrate! It is because of this celebration, that Catholics are allowed to eat meat, and not fast. It is encouraged to celebrate even further by praying, spending time with God, going to Mass. Tonight, I will be doing the Stations of the Cross. During those two stations where Mary is with Jesus, I will reflect a little longer, a bit more, on the relationship that Mary has with her Beloved Son – and the love she has for God and all of us – knowing now, that her yes helped to save the world.

O How Blessed!

There is so much going through my head right now. I apologize in advance if this is all over the place.

I just love watching God at work in my life – especially when my eyes are open to see His work!

As you well know, yesterday was Ash Wednesday. I had mass at 7:30pm – which was really late – that I had to sing at. I have a good friend, Carol, who sings with me in choir. I absolutely love it when she is there. Last year we got assigned seats and miraculously we were seated next to one another. She makes me smile quite often.

Anyway. We were at mass and I was already in a giddy mood – excited about my trip this weekend. Earlier in the afternoon I had texted her to tell her just how excited I was to see her. Little did I know that she was having a crappy day and wasn’t planning on coming since she had gone to mass earlier in the morning. Father was talking about Ash Wednesday and asked why we were all there. Carol takes one look at me and points her thumb in my direction – as if to say that she was there because of me. I questioned her on it and she confirmed – the only reason she was there was because of me. My immediate response – “aww you do love me”. She quickly denied it. :-p

Of course that made me feel so loved. That she would come just for me. After I sat on that for a while I turned to her and asked her, “were you planning on coming, or did you decide to come because I texted you?”

It was my text that made her decide to come. She informed me that she had planned on coming originally, but after the day she had, she decided to stay home – but then I texted her and she just knew she had to be there with me – that she couldn’t skip out because I was there.

Cue water works.

The rest of the mass I was weepy. So full of love – not just from Carol – but God’s love as well. Looking around the church at all the people that were there – my community – who have shared so much of my journey with me; I was overcome with emotion. What a blessing it is to have so many people who are so active in my discernment process. From the youth group kids all the way up to Father Victor. It’s an amazing experience to feel that affirmation and support – and to know that no matter where this journey is leading me, I’ll still be welcomed with open arms.

Then, reality struck.

I’m going to Nashville. Not “sometime in March” – NOW.

And what better time to go than the first weekend of Lent! I will be able to pray the stations of the cross with the sisters, go to confession, go to adoration – what an amazing opportunity to go through – even if I don’t end up becoming a sister!

What an incredible blessing. How did I get to be so blessed?

P.S. Did I mention that I’m excited about this weekend?! Watch twitter and facebook for updates throughout the weekend! Don’t worry, twitter and fb will be secondary to God and His love!

Blessed

First of all, I just wanted to state that I’m now listed in the Catholic blog directory! (discovering discernment) Also, I came across an awesome website to examine one’s conscience: CatholicsConfess.it. I checked it out and my eyes were opened to all sins I have committed!

I’ve mentioned previously that I had a big youth group event that I was planning. It took place on Friday into Saturday. It was a great weekend, even without eating for 30 hours! Very little drama took place, and for the most part, the kids seemed to enjoy themselves and left with a greater awareness of just how blessed they are.

The purpose of the weekend is to go 30 hours without eating to raise awareness of Haiti. My parish is very fortunate enough to be able to be twinned with a parish in Les Palmes, Haiti. We have a very active Haitian Ministry who all helped in preparing this past weekend to make it the success that it was. Very similar to World Vision’s 30 hour famine; except 100% of our fund raising goes straight to Haiti!

Throughout the weekend, not only did the kids get to learn about how little others have sometimes; and how devastating problems to us, aren’t all that devastating after all (i.e. not passing a driving test the first time; not being able to afford to go to the college of your choice, etc.) and there are people much, much worse off than we are. What a great reminder right before Lent begins!

On Saturday morning, I broke up the groups to go to 5 different local organizations to do community service projects. All the projects varied, but most all of the kids came away with a greater awareness of how the world is outside their little bubble. I was a chaperone to the food kitchen. I have never been to a food kitchen before, but it was a definite eye opener.

I often times struggle to make ends meet; trying to find the money for this bill or that bill. What I’ve come to realize though is just how blessed I am despite it all. I may not have the best electronics or the name brand clothes, but aren’t we all taught to not compare ourselves to one another? We must be content where we are at, whether that be wealthy, poor, or destitute: we all need to make use of every situation that is presented to us, and to spread God’s message of love to everyone. I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget that.

As Lent approaches, I’m going to make a more conscience effort to remind myself that while I may not have the latest and greatest and I might not be financially comfortable, that it’s all okay. I’m here for and because of, God – and not anyone – or anything else.